Noel's Nitemare

I'm reminded again and again why feelings suck and why I avoid it at all cost. I hate it. I hate being the problem. Can everyone just stop.

I've been living with fear . Now I'm making a step forward and its scary as shit . But I'm willing to get hurt again , whatever that means . Even if that means I'm exposing myself to suicidal thoughts again lol Because if I really want to die and I'm not afraid to die, this is it. I'm stepping forward . One at a time .

 Where is the line? I'm learning again like a toddler with a tricycle. So many things to juggle and calculate. Who am I suppose to spare, now? Me, her, Them, her, we, Him? You?   No one's watching but I feel like judgmental eyes following me around. This beast needs a beating, a leash, argh is this suppose to calm me down or arouse me even more?   Ah, the warmth of spilled blood. I miss it.    Look at the day, Noel. Lower your wall. It's okay. You've been on the edge of death several times and you came back. Let yourself feel even if it's the last good thing you'd know. Or because it's the last good thing you'd know.   What's the worst thing that could happen? A dark, cold, empty, nothingness? Yea, remember? You'd welcome it

 I didn't know it can be triggering. I'm afraid. I don't like the intensity. It's building up and I'm starting to feel suffocated. It's painful. I dont deserve the good things in the world. Faux happiness. My curse

 My heart breaks because my heart can't break. Sometimes I get very troubled with how cold and empathetic I am. I never cried for myself. I don't know if I want to feel again or if this is for the best.

 How do you explain that you've been talking with several people at the same time and hell break loose around the same time. When you dont have any bad intention, like at all, but it's still gonna come off as bad anyway and anything you say will be misinterpret as a message for one but it's for the others. FML I'm cringing at my own stupid behaviour Am I suppose to hold their hands now?