Noel's Nitemare

 I wish there's something that can numb this other than what I've been taking because I've been taking it and I'm battered and bruised. It's never about how much I care about you compared to these substances. It was never a competition. It's only about how much I can function without feeling... I know I will pay for this one day. But I cant stop and I'm sorry

 Where is the line? I'm learning again like a toddler with a tricycle. So many things to juggle and calculate. Who am I suppose to spare, now? Me, her, Them, her, we, Him? You?   No one's watching but I feel like judgmental eyes following me around. This beast needs a beating, a leash, argh is this suppose to calm me down or arouse me even more?   Ah, the warmth of spilled blood. I miss it.    Look at the day, Noel. Lower your wall. It's okay. You've been on the edge of death several times and you came back. Let yourself feel even if it's the last good thing you'd know. Or because it's the last good thing you'd know.   What's the worst thing that could happen? A dark, cold, empty, nothingness? Yea, remember? You'd welcome it

 How do you explain that you've been talking with several people at the same time and hell break loose around the same time. When you dont have any bad intention, like at all, but it's still gonna come off as bad anyway and anything you say will be misinterpret as a message for one but it's for the others. FML I'm cringing at my own stupid behaviour Am I suppose to hold their hands now?

We don't talk freely about it anymore because we change how we pursue it. We joke about it, dancing around the idea of dying young. But it's a clear message. We're doing it. We're killing ourselves slowly but sure. And it's okay. There is nothing anyone can do about this. It's too late. The deed is set in motion half way if not already on it's last act

It works. The pain in my chest was gone for almost a whole day. The prickling pain and the sight of fresh blood that kept on coming was wonderful. Held a piece of tissue against it and enjoyed it turned completely red. And yea, couldn't help myself just slicing one time. I kept slashing until I feel like it's enough. No one knows. I even did it with one of her partners on the other side of the phone. I then had to use jacket the whole time I'm out of my room to cover my arm. But the pain in my chest is slowly creeping back in by night. I want to cut again, but I have a lot of reservations. I do think logically about this. If it only works for about a day, I'll be running out space pretty soon. Then what?

I think I'm gonna do it tonight. It's been in my head for weeks. I haven't done it for probably more than three years. Because I never need it anymore. I am flat, but the pain in my chest never stop. I think she lie there and sleep. I've broken the tip of rusted razor blade so it's sharp again. I'll drench my arm and the blade with alcohol and I'll slide the blade along the inner arm. I'm thinking one long slit would have been enough, but my mind keeps pushing my imagination to just keep slashing. I'm harboring a lot of anger and who would be the perfect target than myself alone. Yes, I know there are people who hurt me to this extend. But they don't care and what's the point on dwelling on that. It's my fault that I was stupid enough to be treated like shit. Then I'll drink some vodka. Hoping it won't interfere with the blood clotting oh. I've been thinking on making a suicide note too. Just in case.  

TFW when you already have a girl waiting for you to call and then another girl suddenly ask if she can call and you got stomachache because you can't choose and you're tired because your friend overstayed and you can't really tell the girls the truth because of some stupid history between them and someone will get hurt and you're just there hoping for both of them to fall asleep so you don't have to face the consequences of your action 😑

What kind of weirdo cries every other night, gets up being cheerful to everyone else the whole day, gets home, cries again and keep doing the same cycle for years. Who I am is a deceitful unpleasant human being and all my act of kindness and glee are just my effort to blend in with humanity. I'm too much for myself, so how can I even expect other people to understand. I think of ending my life repeatedly but I don't know what on the other side. I've been told it's a weak option. I think of other people that I'm scared of hurting when all they do is ignore my plea for help over and over. I think of cutting all the time but people call it attention seeking. So I hold back and I feel like exploding and hating myself more for having such a weak need. Then I want to cut again. It's physically painful to feel and fight constantly/ Literally physically painful. And I'm laughing in between crying because nothing make sense. Nothing make sense! lol I didn...

So this is a mirror of the future. I freaked out over someone I'm not even falling for. I don't even care for her! And yet, I knew I'd fuck her right there and then just because she presents herself to me. I'd fuck her even though she's a vile human being. I'd fuck her even though she's married. And the only reason is because I can (damn you Cletus Kasady). She's a piece of meat and I can't care less if it's worth it or not. If this is my mirror, it's all the more reason why I am not in a monogamous relationship right now. All the more reason why no one should put all their chips on me. Then why do I keep doing this? Why do I enjoy making people having orgasms or just make them smile over cheesy things? Not one person but PEOPLE. What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!?

I don't know if it was only one of us who took the decision. But we wanted to sleep. So we took some sleeping pills while we were so drunk. It ended kinda horrible but at least I woke up. Just gotta pay the price with vomiting and pain everywhere and super tired the whole day.

I had a weird "date" on the weekend.. but not in a bad way. There's this girl that I've known since we were kids but we never really in the same clique. Her family got money and she went to school abroad up to college (I think). I hung out with her a couple of times when she had her college vacation here. She was the definition of a "party girl". Drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it. And she wasn't the nicest person either. I think being young and loaded, maybe she thought she could do anything. I was lucky that she thought of me as somewhat an "equal" and we were friendly. I don't know, maybe at that time the stigma of young people partying and drinking was negative and we kinda had each other's back for covering our asses from our parents. Then she went back to S'pore/Aussie (I don't even know or care where she went) to continue her study and we lost touch.This was probably in 2005 or 2007. I honestly don't rememb...

Well it's back to the old days now. She's putting me in charge for most of...activities. She's perfectly fine doing the mundane stuff. Like, breathing or putting a leash on my neck when I have no shame. So I'm more than happy to take care of the rest. Which is how we're suppose to function normally anyway. It's been working well for years until adult life dictate her that being an adult means she has to be vulnerable, honest and open and blah blah blah. Fuck those crap. Look where it got us. Some says three times a charm. I'd say two were enough. I mean, right now I'm completely content watching a naked body sleeping soundlessly on the bed in the dark. A body that I'm happy to enjoy just a couple of hours ago. One of several other faces that I become more than just familiar in the past months. Faces that don't really mind that I don't ask about their work in the end of the day, or if they have eaten regularly. Well,...

She's on the meds again, giving me more control over us. This may stop us being intoxicated on most nights. The meds help to numb things just like how liquor does, without the inhibition problem, but with horrible nausea, headache, and breathing problem perhaps for the next days or week. We don't mind though. We need them.

I'm just so tired. Sometimes I need help. And I swear I reached out. Well, I'm wrong. Like a fool I keep thinking maybe this time someone would help. Something would change. I reached out, I swear. Right now I'm having a battle with myself to end it or keep thinking of the few people that I'm thinking would be affected.

Am I going to hit another low? Today I learn her fight is so weak that it was just basically courtesy. Yes I feel nauseous afterward but it was me finding out that she's almost completely gone. What's the fun on keep doing these things if she's gonna give all the control to me? Where is her responsibility? I know what society deemed as right and wrong. I just don't care what society thinks. And if I don't feel bad, why should I pretend to feel bad? Eh, I can hear her still trying to talk me out of it. A scared whisper. But she was never relevant to begin with. This is the second (maybe third?) time I was mistaken to think that I have hit my low. That means it's probably will never stop. There is no "hitting bottom".

Is it considered as weird or clinically problematic that I have urges to hit these people around me that got on my nerves? Not just acquaintances or friends but also family member. It used to be walls or desks as my object to release this frustration. But slowly it feels like their faces are not a bad media to introduce my fist. Besides, maybe once everything erupted from inside, they finally realize how not normal I am?

Because the only times she feels..something, is when there are people squirming under her, calling her name, and coming apart.

you think you're safe from me..

I'll just make her cry to sleep again tonight.

It's satisfying to listen to Slim Shady as I wash the blood soaked clothes and scrubs the tools clean from dried blood.