Noel's Nitemare

Last night my mom had a breakdown. She cried all over the floor and while clutching her chest she said, “it hurts..it hurts”. I dont understand it at first, if it is physicall or emotional. I know that before, I heard she and my brother was yelling at each other. What did I feel? I feel annoyed. Why the hell is she crying for what my brother did? She is so stupid. She’s only hurting herself by crying and feeling angry. Oh I really hated her last night. I didn’t want to touch her. She looks really disgusting with tears flowing down her cheeks. She look so weak. I hate her for looking so weak. I hate weak people. But then she asked for balm. I only gave the balm in a distance. The thought of scrubbing the balm on her boddy disgust me. Then she asked for my help. I can't say no. I was trying soooo haaarrddd to look like I care. I tried to make a loving voice but it just came out stat. God knows I tried my best to control my emotion. I dont want her to be angry at me or hurt and then t...

It’s goin to be only about time before I start cutting myself again. Today the only person that could make me hold on was trying a little bit too hard to hurt me. I could only hit the cupboard and then jammed my nail so hard to the back of my hand so I wont cry. I was so angry. I already got the permission, it’s only about the right time and equipment. I was going to use the scissor but then I remember that it is too dirty. My mind was wondering about the alcohol that could be used to clean it up, but I remember that it was already been thrown away. Since I got better, a lot of things that is pointy or sharp are not in my room anymore. I really did try to help myself. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. It hurts and I dont need to hold on anymore. I thought there were people who care, but I guess I found out the truth. No one cares. That means I can do anything that I want. But they will care if I die, especially if I die because of what they did to me. I’m gonna make them feel ...

Wanna beat up my brother till he's unconscious. Put him in a room and lock it. Let see if any of his friends could help him in time of need.

I dont feel alive lately. Lots of time people talks to me and I dont hear them. My mind wonder off somewhere but its not like I actually thinking of something. Maybe I'm being sucked in to a black dimension where I'm blind, deaf,and mute. I unconsciously pick black clothes every day. Wear black skin band on my wrist. Hiding the scar? maybe..but I feel like I want to show the world that i'm capable of hurting other human being if they try to mess with me. I can make black bruises on your body if you ask for it. A statement. I tried to be around of people as much as I can find them. But I'm still deaf, blind, and mute. I dont want to be touch. I DONT LIKE TO BE TOUCH. I'm black.

everytime my mother is driving in a high speed, I always imagine what would happen if I suddenly sway the steer to the left? Will we have an accident? Tumbling along the road, break glasses everywhere cutting our faces but that would be after we broke our neck once we hit the top of the car. Or the car will just skid a little coz my mom could handle the car quite well, pull over and I end up having a masterpiece yell from her.

I dont think the cold inside would ever go away. I believed it once and now it turns out I never really abandoned it. Like a little ice cube inside my chest. It never melts away. Fire over fire burned it. It just never melt. Not even a crack. I can try to hide inside the warmth of the girl that I love or the person I put in public but it’ll all be a lie. It was all lie. I’m trying too hard to play all warm inside. You dont have an ice cube inside your chest and just decided one day to melt it away. It never work that way. No hopes will help me. I have to live with it. Being cold.

As I watched my white right hand, I can't help but felling bliss imagining if it's filled with scratches and reds of bloods. It would be beautiful.