Noel's Nitemare

Sometimes I feel afraid and insecure. It just happens. And then I need to hide inside my blanket. I need someone to take care of me. Someone who understand. Sometimes I just need a silent company. Coz at that moment, any words would feel like an attack. Accused. Insulting. I feel like a failure. And then it just spiral down to the worst kind of situation. I drag everything down. No one to blame but me. If anything bad happens, it will be because of me and my incompetent self. I dont talk anymore because everything is useless. No one can help. No one care. Everyone have needs to be fulfilled. Everyone take care of themselves. I'm not capable to feel anymore. And yet, they blame me again for what I cant control of. FUCK. I DONT FAKE THIS. I DONT ACT TO BE LIKE THIS. YOU THINK THIS WHOLE THING IS FUN PLAY? YOU THINK NUMB IS SO COOL HUH? YOU CARE? IF YOU CARE, YOU WOULDNT ASK ME OF ANYTHING. You would just leave me alone to die.

I told you not to blame me for something I have no control of. So why the fuck are you blaming me now?

Because the pain makes me forget. Because crying is weakness showned. So I have to feel numb. But numb could turn into empty so fast, its suffocating. So I have to feel. But I can't feel sad, coz then I'll cry. Then it'll be a stupid horrendous cycle. So I choose to feel pain. Pain stopped me from feeling sad. Pain stopped me from feeling anything inside. Because pain makes me forget. Writtened 24th of May 2010 Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I'm cutting off my meds. I want to know if I'm still in pain and whether it'll bring that warmth in my chest again. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

OK, God makes a cruel joke on me again. It's a fact I've been emotionless for a month. Then when I can't stand it anymore, when I decided to just surrender under the merciless pain of a rusty razor, He gave me my back pain back. Ha! Funny, God! So one beautiful evening, I was gonna have an agenda with Jude. I made a wrong position to sit up from his bed and the rest are the most annoying and embarassing situation I have face in my entire life. God! I can't stand straight in front of my best bud. Well of course he was confused of what to do, coz even though he knew about my back condition, he never really have to see me while it hurts. I tried my best to hold the pain while watching the DVD and kept chatting casually with him. But I made a mental note that I HAVE to go home after the movie ended. He was dissapointed coz I didn't know that he was hoping I could spend another night hangin' out. When I finally got home the pain were getting worst. Though it...

As I was looking at a snapshot I took of you the other day, I cant ignore the empty stare you had. You looked so wounded and hollow. I know that look every time I look at myself in the mirror. We both are broken beyond repair. I want to tell you that I know what you're going through, but I dont have any power left to reach out to anyone, let alone you. I know that face. You were trying to closed any voice that happening around you. Made your mental deaf. I dont know how big the damage will be on you. I get through out of it alive though right now all I want to do is dissapear from the face of earth. I cant stop blaming myself if you turns out broken. I'm your brother. I should be the one who protect you. I should've been the one who lead you the way through this hell. I know each time you blast your stereo, you dont want to hear anything outside your door. I know each time you scream, you want to tell them how hurt you feel. If you fail, I fail.

It forms a beautiful line up of red grass