Noel's Nitemare

We are not okay. We are fighting every day because she can't pull herself together after she lost the very person that ironically I condemn as a selfish evil. We fight everyday because we can't choose one feeling to understand what it is that we are truly feeling. I don't know how long she will survive this facade. She lets me put on a front but I feel what she feels. She tries so hard to be positive and I've tried so hard to protect her harder than ever. but betrayal is always the biggest wound she couldn't handle right. That's what destroyed her and I am what have become out of it. How can I help her when I'm a product of the very pain she's struggling to accept now? We have no one. Not the ones that understand. We only settle with one word to explain what it is we feel in our chest. Heavy.

I'm just so tired. Sometimes I need help. And I swear I reached out. Well, I'm wrong. Like a fool I keep thinking maybe this time someone would help. Something would change. I reached out, I swear. Right now I'm having a battle with myself to end it or keep thinking of the few people that I'm thinking would be affected.

An hour of not thinking of her feels like a vacation from hell. Oh well, here we go again!

Am I going to hit another low? Today I learn her fight is so weak that it was just basically courtesy. Yes I feel nauseous afterward but it was me finding out that she's almost completely gone. What's the fun on keep doing these things if she's gonna give all the control to me? Where is her responsibility? I know what society deemed as right and wrong. I just don't care what society thinks. And if I don't feel bad, why should I pretend to feel bad? Eh, I can hear her still trying to talk me out of it. A scared whisper. But she was never relevant to begin with. This is the second (maybe third?) time I was mistaken to think that I have hit my low. That means it's probably will never stop. There is no "hitting bottom".

I love you. I love you with all that I have and everything that I don't. How do I move on? I love you and I hate myself everytime I admit it

Is it considered as weird or clinically problematic that I have urges to hit these people around me that got on my nerves? Not just acquaintances or friends but also family member. It used to be walls or desks as my object to release this frustration. But slowly it feels like their faces are not a bad media to introduce my fist. Besides, maybe once everything erupted from inside, they finally realize how not normal I am?

Bullshit. Just fucking bullshit. That cunt is trying to fuck with you. Saying you're everything and she care and all those sweet sickening shit but she doesn't blink an eye when you're hurt. Full of bullshit and you're eating all those shit up. THINK you stupid moron! People who care for you don't do this. They do not keep on trying to hurt you. They will stop. They will hurt when you're hurt. Does she seem like she's hurt when you said you're hurt? NOPE. She mocks your feeling. She said you are not making any sense. It needs to be something for her to actually mean something. It's all about her. It needs to make sense for her first. She can't respect the things that matters to you. And SHE KNOWS you're not an idiot. Yet she kept saying things as if you're the same with the idiots. This bitch is calling you dumb on your face and you will forgive her AGAIN? If that is not selfish, what is? Did you see how you keep trying to explain things ...