i CAN take CARE of myself

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Let me go

 Sometimes I do wish I don't have people who cared for me and just let me go. So I don't have to keep fighting and live in this constant struggle of depression and heightened emotion. What do I get from it? Wisdom? For who? Strength to keep being alive in constant agony?
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I have weakness but I will not let you weaponize it

Stupid, lazy, no preserverence, arrogant, inconsiderate, heedless, liar, selfish, no self awareness and just so busy thinking about yourself all the time that you cant grow and you cant get your head out of your ass.You only hear those conceited things in your head, that you dont listen what other people tell you what the fuck is wrong with you. People change when they want to. With great effort, no doubt. But you know you dont want to and you cry about the littlest things when you have so many things that other people would kill to have just for a night. When you get criticized, you think other people dont know shit about you. But when you criticized other people, you expect them not to react like how you have. Imagine thinking constantly about "but Ive given you so and so?" instead of "they have given me their so and so!" What a conceited piece of crap 
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04.10.19

I think I'm gonna do it tonight. It's been in my head for weeks. I haven't done it for probably more than three years. Because I never need it anymore. I am flat, but the pain in my chest never stop. I think she lie there and sleep. I've broken the tip of rusted razor blade so it's sharp again. I'll drench my arm and the blade with alcohol and I'll slide the blade along the inner arm. I'm thinking one long slit would have been enough, but my mind keeps pushing my imagination to just keep slashing. I'm harboring a lot of anger and who would be the perfect target than myself alone. Yes, I know there are people who hurt me to this extend. But they don't care and what's the point on dwelling on that. It's my fault that I was stupid enough to be treated like shit. Then I'll drink some vodka. Hoping it won't interfere with the blood clotting oh. I've been thinking on making a suicide note too. Just in case.  
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