Noel's Nitemare

 Remember when you promised and then you shit on it? LOL I hope every time you remember what a liar you are, you can imagine me laughing at your fucking face and saying "I told you so"

 I dont know where to place this anger. Im not allowed to release it and im just sitting here going insane. I want to hit something until I break my own hand but then I'm just causing more problem. I'm confused why it seems like I'm the one that is being called crazy all the time. Am I? Update: Yea, I think I broke my hand lol and I've been crying for an hour straight. I cant even remember when was the last time I cried. I'm not crazy. I dont have to be.

 I wish there's something that can numb this other than what I've been taking because I've been taking it and I'm battered and bruised. It's never about how much I care about you compared to these substances. It was never a competition. It's only about how much I can function without feeling... I know I will pay for this one day. But I cant stop and I'm sorry

Stupid, lazy, no preserverence, arrogant, inconsiderate, heedless, liar, selfish, no self awareness and just so busy thinking about yourself all the time that you cant grow and you cant get your head out of your ass.You only hear those conceited things in your head, that you dont listen what other people tell you what the fuck is wrong with you. People change when they want to. With great effort, no doubt. But you know you dont want to and you cry about the littlest things when you have so many things that other people would kill to have just for a night. When you get criticized, you think other people dont know shit about you. But when you criticized other people, you expect them not to react like how you have. Imagine thinking constantly about "but Ive given you so and so?" instead of "they have given me their so and so!" What a conceited piece of crap 

 Sometimes I do wish I don't have people who cared for me and just let me go. So I don't have to keep fighting and live in this constant struggle of depression and heightened emotion. What do I get from it? Wisdom? For who? Strength to keep being alive in constant agony?

The battle is real. And maybe she won. Or maybe the pills did. I dont know. But at least I could control my rage. Oh the names and words I want to use. To just start pointing my finger to their faces and just yell MOTHERFUCKER YOU FUCKING PSYCHO.  What a fake bitch. Acting like they care and listen and the moment when it all matters, they fucking run and make some stupid fucking excuses. Yes, stupid excuses. What a bunch of spineless little rodents.  No, no, they dont deserve my hands wrapped around their neck. Wont even touch them with my toe. I'd love to see the lights slowly fade from their beady eyes but selfish cowards deserves their own worst nightmares.  Go on. Keep making up your own dream world. And if you choose that to be your reality, that's your own fucked up decision. And I fucking hope you're trapped in it Fucking selfish cunts.

 I want to die. I want to scream. I'm tired.

 What about mine? WHY AM I ALWAYS BE THE ONE THAT HAS TO KEEP MY CALM? WHY AM I ALWAYS BE THE ONE THAT HAS TO CARE ABOUT OTHERS FEELING? WHY AM I ALWAYS BE THE ONE THAT HAS TO SUFFER IN SILENCE? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL AND YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO HEAL IF THIS KEEPS ON HAPPENING?? ITS JUST ONE SCAR AFTER ANOTHER   The irony of me stopping myself slicing my own hand because there is no more space to mark. Who would've thought that my heart has more space to rest my scars than my fucking skin. 

I'm reminded again and again why feelings suck and why I avoid it at all cost. I hate it. I hate being the problem. Can everyone just stop.

I've been living with fear . Now I'm making a step forward and its scary as shit . But I'm willing to get hurt again , whatever that means . Even if that means I'm exposing myself to suicidal thoughts again lol Because if I really want to die and I'm not afraid to die, this is it. I'm stepping forward . One at a time .

 Where is the line? I'm learning again like a toddler with a tricycle. So many things to juggle and calculate. Who am I suppose to spare, now? Me, her, Them, her, we, Him? You?   No one's watching but I feel like judgmental eyes following me around. This beast needs a beating, a leash, argh is this suppose to calm me down or arouse me even more?   Ah, the warmth of spilled blood. I miss it.    Look at the day, Noel. Lower your wall. It's okay. You've been on the edge of death several times and you came back. Let yourself feel even if it's the last good thing you'd know. Or because it's the last good thing you'd know.   What's the worst thing that could happen? A dark, cold, empty, nothingness? Yea, remember? You'd welcome it

 I didn't know it can be triggering. I'm afraid. I don't like the intensity. It's building up and I'm starting to feel suffocated. It's painful. I dont deserve the good things in the world. Faux happiness. My curse

 My heart breaks because my heart can't break. Sometimes I get very troubled with how cold and empathetic I am. I never cried for myself. I don't know if I want to feel again or if this is for the best.

 How do you explain that you've been talking with several people at the same time and hell break loose around the same time. When you dont have any bad intention, like at all, but it's still gonna come off as bad anyway and anything you say will be misinterpret as a message for one but it's for the others. FML I'm cringing at my own stupid behaviour Am I suppose to hold their hands now?

We don't talk freely about it anymore because we change how we pursue it. We joke about it, dancing around the idea of dying young. But it's a clear message. We're doing it. We're killing ourselves slowly but sure. And it's okay. There is nothing anyone can do about this. It's too late. The deed is set in motion half way if not already on it's last act

 Drowning would feel better than this. Because as the water pouring in as I gasped for air. It will wash away the pain stuck in my throat, in my chest. Tears will fall from my eyes. Not because I'm sad. But because it's so painful, it's just a natural body reaction. 

It works. The pain in my chest was gone for almost a whole day. The prickling pain and the sight of fresh blood that kept on coming was wonderful. Held a piece of tissue against it and enjoyed it turned completely red. And yea, couldn't help myself just slicing one time. I kept slashing until I feel like it's enough. No one knows. I even did it with one of her partners on the other side of the phone. I then had to use jacket the whole time I'm out of my room to cover my arm. But the pain in my chest is slowly creeping back in by night. I want to cut again, but I have a lot of reservations. I do think logically about this. If it only works for about a day, I'll be running out space pretty soon. Then what?

I think I'm gonna do it tonight. It's been in my head for weeks. I haven't done it for probably more than three years. Because I never need it anymore. I am flat, but the pain in my chest never stop. I think she lie there and sleep. I've broken the tip of rusted razor blade so it's sharp again. I'll drench my arm and the blade with alcohol and I'll slide the blade along the inner arm. I'm thinking one long slit would have been enough, but my mind keeps pushing my imagination to just keep slashing. I'm harboring a lot of anger and who would be the perfect target than myself alone. Yes, I know there are people who hurt me to this extend. But they don't care and what's the point on dwelling on that. It's my fault that I was stupid enough to be treated like shit. Then I'll drink some vodka. Hoping it won't interfere with the blood clotting oh. I've been thinking on making a suicide note too. Just in case.  

Still struggling. To live. The past month has been hell and I feel like I'm alone. I don't want her to come back because feeling pain that bad is the last thing we need. Not a single tear dropped since she's gone and that is a great achievement. Because the Paranoia is not going away. I can sense the dread just an inch away from my vein. It's there. Waiting for me to lose control and make me FEEL. But I won't let it. And the people that I'm looking for help to, are not capable of caring nor I have any trust left. These people don't wanna know how much pain or trouble they had made in our life. No one would care for a monster, I know that. But this monster was tame and sleeping most of the time. They shouldn't've woken me up. I was just annoyed not being in full control, but it was manageable. And now I feel empty and confused. I can't deal with live alone without her but right now she is a pandora that I don't want to open. I want to die...

The numbness is getting painful after sometime. She hasn’t come back out of fear and I won’t let her either. The human body and mind are such a delicate thing that a thing like me can’t exist on my own when another is available. I hate this condition. I want to keep being in control. It’s the most healthy way we can survive. Her defeat is quite paralyzing this time, I guess. I tried occupying my mind, but newsflash, humans need emotion to enjoy things. If we don’t, everything is annoyance. Everything feels so unnecessary.    When I’m around other people, I can force myself to live in a code I’ve established so I can blend in. After all, living alone with no interaction still sucks. I do notice how different it is to interact without her second guessing everything. Confidence. Ignorance. What an amazing feeling.  When I’m alone, that empty sickening hole in my chest feels like it slowly sucking the oxygen. The cutting is in my mind again for several times. ...