Noel's Nitemare

 How do you explain that you've been talking with several people at the same time and hell break loose around the same time. When you dont have any bad intention, like at all, but it's still gonna come off as bad anyway and anything you say will be misinterpret as a message for one but it's for the others. FML I'm cringing at my own stupid behaviour Am I suppose to hold their hands now?

We don't talk freely about it anymore because we change how we pursue it. We joke about it, dancing around the idea of dying young. But it's a clear message. We're doing it. We're killing ourselves slowly but sure. And it's okay. There is nothing anyone can do about this. It's too late. The deed is set in motion half way if not already on it's last act

 Drowning would feel better than this. Because as the water pouring in as I gasped for air. It will wash away the pain stuck in my throat, in my chest. Tears will fall from my eyes. Not because I'm sad. But because it's so painful, it's just a natural body reaction. 

It works. The pain in my chest was gone for almost a whole day. The prickling pain and the sight of fresh blood that kept on coming was wonderful. Held a piece of tissue against it and enjoyed it turned completely red. And yea, couldn't help myself just slicing one time. I kept slashing until I feel like it's enough. No one knows. I even did it with one of her partners on the other side of the phone. I then had to use jacket the whole time I'm out of my room to cover my arm. But the pain in my chest is slowly creeping back in by night. I want to cut again, but I have a lot of reservations. I do think logically about this. If it only works for about a day, I'll be running out space pretty soon. Then what?

I think I'm gonna do it tonight. It's been in my head for weeks. I haven't done it for probably more than three years. Because I never need it anymore. I am flat, but the pain in my chest never stop. I think she lie there and sleep. I've broken the tip of rusted razor blade so it's sharp again. I'll drench my arm and the blade with alcohol and I'll slide the blade along the inner arm. I'm thinking one long slit would have been enough, but my mind keeps pushing my imagination to just keep slashing. I'm harboring a lot of anger and who would be the perfect target than myself alone. Yes, I know there are people who hurt me to this extend. But they don't care and what's the point on dwelling on that. It's my fault that I was stupid enough to be treated like shit. Then I'll drink some vodka. Hoping it won't interfere with the blood clotting oh. I've been thinking on making a suicide note too. Just in case.  

Still struggling. To live. The past month has been hell and I feel like I'm alone. I don't want her to come back because feeling pain that bad is the last thing we need. Not a single tear dropped since she's gone and that is a great achievement. Because the Paranoia is not going away. I can sense the dread just an inch away from my vein. It's there. Waiting for me to lose control and make me FEEL. But I won't let it. And the people that I'm looking for help to, are not capable of caring nor I have any trust left. These people don't wanna know how much pain or trouble they had made in our life. No one would care for a monster, I know that. But this monster was tame and sleeping most of the time. They shouldn't've woken me up. I was just annoyed not being in full control, but it was manageable. And now I feel empty and confused. I can't deal with live alone without her but right now she is a pandora that I don't want to open. I want to die...