Noel's Nitemare

All I see is red and I don't think I care enough to paint it differently.

Maybe the reason that BPD is so attached with another human is because we need a somewhat sane-someone to be our conscience, our ground of what's right and wrong. Another body that replace our confusion of ourselves. So it's not about just losing someone we care about. Selfishly, it's about the fear of losing self.

TFW when you already have a girl waiting for you to call and then another girl suddenly ask if she can call and you got stomachache because you can't choose and you're tired because your friend overstayed and you can't really tell the girls the truth because of some stupid history between them and someone will get hurt and you're just there hoping for both of them to fall asleep so you don't have to face the consequences of your action 😑

I don't think anyone should be subjected to a mess called people with Borderline Personality. We are like parasite and definitely not worth the time and energy of anyone who got trapped of getting to know us closer. Yes, we are kind and we'd give anything you need. When we're not fucked up in the head. Then we turned into monsters and suddenly we're your burden, shame, and guilt. "I can't help it" just doesn't cut it anymore because if we're not hurting people we care about, we're hurting inside. Maybe there's a reason why we have such a high rate of suicide. It's natural selection. The weak shouldn't survived. 

To make a contact with another human being feels like making a contract. A contract to care or react on something they do. If I don't, then I might be perceived as weird or unkind. And it's making me feel sick. Disgusted. The society randomly select what they care about while I have to play roulette with what rabbit hole she wants to jump into . I am against of any kind of emotional intimacy. And I'm tired of cleaning up all the mess she made.

What is it about this apartment that makes me always want to write something? Why is it my heart is hurting for other people but not knowing when to stop? I didn't even let her talk. Just started kissing her because that's what she wants, right? I gave everything I had because I wanted to feel something too. It's why I started these fuckfest in the first place. Let's have fun and make each other feel good. And she has been mislabeling her feelings for me. I don't believe that she's falling for me. It's weird and too fast. Yes, it's been 10 months since we had this kind of "deal" and I understand things can get confusing but a deal is a deal. Sometimes I want to get angry because I feel like she's making me feel bad when I have put everything on the table, in the front and she disrespect our deal. We have a deal! I am not capable of feeling more than a normal attention or maybe infatuation, and she can't hold that against me. Note: S

What kind of weirdo cries every other night, gets up being cheerful to everyone else the whole day, gets home, cries again and keep doing the same cycle for years. Who I am is a deceitful unpleasant human being and all my act of kindness and glee are just my effort to blend in with humanity. I'm too much for myself, so how can I even expect other people to understand. I think of ending my life repeatedly but I don't know what on the other side. I've been told it's a weak option. I think of other people that I'm scared of hurting when all they do is ignore my plea for help over and over. I think of cutting all the time but people call it attention seeking. So I hold back and I feel like exploding and hating myself more for having such a weak need. Then I want to cut again. It's physically painful to feel and fight constantly/ Literally physically painful. And I'm laughing in between crying because nothing make sense. Nothing make sense! lol I didn&#

The whispers are loud, fighting in our head. We keep contradicting our selves, answering each other's beliefs. We' re so tired on our waking moments. But one constant thing that keeps repeating in our head and I don't disagree with is, we're not worth anyone's time. Even on casual relationships, we keep being reminded of how shitty we are as a person. We are not worth to be chosen, we are cruel, and we are a disappointment.

No one knows she still cries at night because of the pain I hid the whole day. I give her an hour or two to let go, and then I shut her off completely and whore ourselves around.

How many clits and penis I have these fingers on?

Because she insisted that she tasted love and I ruined it. They think it's any less painful for us just because we 're sick in the head. They don't know we 've given everything we have.

My honesty is smoke screens because if you ask how I feel, I won't be able to answer truthfully. My brain isn't wired that way. My brain doesn't trust my emotions because it never stays the same

Feeling angry for days because we care and not caring at the same time. Feeling extremely sad for not being normal. And then getting angry and sad for not being able to do something as simple as concentrating on work. Trying not to cut because we feel so much pain in the chest. Trying not to ask for help because we don't want to bother anyone and thinking no one cares anyway. If they care, they can't help anyway. We know our feelings are valid and real but scold our self for feeling it and being dramatic. Grinding teeth, making jaw tense, head hurts and stomach acid rise. So tired of these. Wishing to cry until we can fall asleep but the mind is overworking to keep us awake.

So many people think that they matters or make some impact in their little word but the truth is they are just a sad individual that hate themselves and filled with unsolved rage. It's difficult to want to make everyone avoid the pain I'm having while I keep thinking of ending my life. I keep blaming myself for everyone's behavior. Like I have some power to change them to be a better version of themselves. What is this hellish cycle?

Chester Bennington's death scares me because he had everything to live for and he fought all of his life against his depression and addiction, but he still choose to end his life. One more person that gives me strength is gone. What do I have, really, compared to a legend like him. And I'm not just talking about money. What if I'm just waiting for the day I can't fight anymore too.

I broke my record. I'm juggling so many people right now just because I can. But it's like people are just being thrown at me left and right without me even trying. No, I'm not bragging, I'm legit confused of how I'm 100% not actively looking for any kind of relationship and suddenly today I'm counting I got a literal handful of people that I'm seeing. Even my family started getting annoyed at how I kept getting distracted with my phone, coming home late and going out even more than I used to. I still don't have any special feelings for these people (well there's this one great guy, but if I move forward than what we have right now, y'all gonna get a wedding invitation lol), but then she got hooked instantly with this one new girl. The worse and most typical part is, when I learn that she likes this French, I got tickled to play games. A horrible, horrible game that I used to like to play. (Then I got into monogamous relationship for 10 years a

She cried when she remembers all the things that she let happened to her, and I laugh at them because we could've stopped it.

So this is a mirror of the future. I freaked out over someone I'm not even falling for. I don't even care for her! And yet, I knew I'd fuck her right there and then just because she presents herself to me. I'd fuck her even though she's a vile human being. I'd fuck her even though she's married. And the only reason is because I can (damn you Cletus Kasady). She's a piece of meat and I can't care less if it's worth it or not. If this is my mirror, it's all the more reason why I am not in a monogamous relationship right now. All the more reason why no one should put all their chips on me. Then why do I keep doing this? Why do I enjoy making people having orgasms or just make them smile over cheesy things? Not one person but PEOPLE. What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!?

A religion I identify with is truly hated by someone I love. My sexual preference is hated by most of world population. My gender is considered as secondary by half of my species. My abusive past is commonly questioned as lies. My personality disorder makes even the professionals confused. But it's okay. If I reverse these facts, I'm still not alone.

I don't know if it was only one of us who took the decision. But we wanted to sleep. So we took some sleeping pills while we were so drunk. It ended kinda horrible but at least I woke up. Just gotta pay the price with vomiting and pain everywhere and super tired the whole day.

Yes, I am completely aware of the white bear effect. But what if there is no effort from my part? It's just her being a complete asshole.

I saw a video where ISIS is blowing three people's head with shotguns in different range. I didn't feel anything. I still hate ISIS of course. I wonder about their needs to edit the video in a professional way. But I wasn't disgusted when heads are exploded in slow motions or eyeballs popping out of their sockets. These are real people. I used to feel something. I know these are wrong, I just don't feel disgusted. I didn't feel anything.

I had a weird "date" on the weekend.. but not in a bad way. There's this girl that I've known since we were kids but we never really in the same clique. Her family got money and she went to school abroad up to college (I think). I hung out with her a couple of times when she had her college vacation here. She was the definition of a "party girl". Drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it. And she wasn't the nicest person either. I think being young and loaded, maybe she thought she could do anything. I was lucky that she thought of me as somewhat an "equal" and we were friendly. I don't know, maybe at that time the stigma of young people partying and drinking was negative and we kinda had each other's back for covering our asses from our parents. Then she went back to S'pore/Aussie (I don't even know or care where she went) to continue her study and we lost touch.This was probably in 2005 or 2007. I honestly don't rememb

Well it's back to the old days now. She's putting me in charge for most of...activities. She's perfectly fine doing the mundane stuff. Like, breathing or putting a leash on my neck when I have no shame. So I'm more than happy to take care of the rest. Which is how we're suppose to function normally anyway. It's been working well for years until adult life dictate her that being an adult means she has to be vulnerable, honest and open and blah blah blah. Fuck those crap. Look where it got us. Some says three times a charm. I'd say two were enough. I mean, right now I'm completely content watching a naked body sleeping soundlessly on the bed in the dark. A body that I'm happy to enjoy just a couple of hours ago. One of several other faces that I become more than just familiar in the past months. Faces that don't really mind that I don't ask about their work in the end of the day, or if they have eaten regularly. Well,