Noel's Nitemare

TFW when you already have a girl waiting for you to call and then another girl suddenly ask if she can call and you got stomachache because you can't choose and you're tired because your friend overstayed and you can't really tell the girls the truth because of some stupid history between them and someone will get hurt and you're just there hoping for both of them to fall asleep so you don't have to face the consequences of your action 😑

I don't think anyone should be subjected to a mess called people with Borderline Personality. We are like parasite and definitely not worth the time and energy of anyone who got trapped of getting to know us closer. Yes, we are kind and we'd give anything you need. When we're not fucked up in the head. Then we turned into monsters and suddenly we're your burden, shame, and guilt. "I can't help it" just doesn't cut it anymore because if we're not hurting people we care about, we're hurting inside. Maybe there's a reason why we have such a high rate of suicide. It's natural selection. The weak shouldn't survived. 

To make a contact with another human being feels like making a contract. A contract to care or react on something they do. If I don't, then I might be perceived as weird or unkind. And it's making me feel sick. Disgusted. The society randomly select what they care about while I have to play roulette with what rabbit hole she wants to jump into . I am against of any kind of emotional intimacy. And I'm tired of cleaning up all the mess she made.

What is it about this apartment that makes me always want to write something? Why is it my heart is hurting for other people but not knowing when to stop? I didn't even let her talk. Just started kissing her because that's what she wants, right? I gave everything I had because I wanted to feel something too. It's why I started these fuckfest in the first place. Let's have fun and make each other feel good. And she has been mislabeling her feelings for me. I don't believe that she's falling for me. It's weird and too fast. Yes, it's been 10 months since we had this kind of "deal" and I understand things can get confusing but a deal is a deal. Sometimes I want to get angry because I feel like she's making me feel bad when I have put everything on the table, in the front and she disrespect our deal. We have a deal! I am not capable of feeling more than a normal attention or maybe infatuation, and she can't hold that against me. Note: S