Noel's Nitemare

So many people think that they matters or make some impact in their little word but the truth is they are just a sad individual that hate themselves and filled with unsolved rage. It's difficult to want to make everyone avoid the pain I'm having while I keep thinking of ending my life. I keep blaming myself for everyone's behavior. Like I have some power to change them to be a better version of themselves. What is this hellish cycle?

Chester Bennington's death scares me because he had everything to live for and he fought all of his life against his depression and addiction, but he still choose to end his life. One more person that gives me strength is gone. What do I have, really, compared to a legend like him. And I'm not just talking about money. What if I'm just waiting for the day I can't fight anymore too.

I broke my record. I'm juggling so many people right now just because I can. But it's like people are just being thrown at me left and right without me even trying. No, I'm not bragging, I'm legit confused of how I'm 100% not actively looking for any kind of relationship and suddenly today I'm counting I got a literal handful of people that I'm seeing. Even my family started getting annoyed at how I kept getting distracted with my phone, coming home late and going out even more than I used to. I still don't have any special feelings for these people (well there's this one great guy, but if I move forward than what we have right now, y'all gonna get a wedding invitation lol), but then she got hooked instantly with this one new girl. The worse and most typical part is, when I learn that she likes this French, I got tickled to play games. A horrible, horrible game that I used to like to play. (Then I got into monogamous relationship for 10 years a

She cried when she remembers all the things that she let happened to her, and I laugh at them because we could've stopped it.