Noel's Nitemare

What kind of weirdo cries every other night, gets up being cheerful to everyone else the whole day, gets home, cries again and keep doing the same cycle for years. Who I am is a deceitful unpleasant human being and all my act of kindness and glee are just my effort to blend in with humanity. I'm too much for myself, so how can I even expect other people to understand. I think of ending my life repeatedly but I don't know what on the other side. I've been told it's a weak option. I think of other people that I'm scared of hurting when all they do is ignore my plea for help over and over. I think of cutting all the time but people call it attention seeking. So I hold back and I feel like exploding and hating myself more for having such a weak need. Then I want to cut again. It's physically painful to feel and fight constantly/ Literally physically painful. And I'm laughing in between crying because nothing make sense. Nothing make sense! lol I didn&#

The whispers are loud, fighting in our head. We keep contradicting our selves, answering each other's beliefs. We' re so tired on our waking moments. But one constant thing that keeps repeating in our head and I don't disagree with is, we're not worth anyone's time. Even on casual relationships, we keep being reminded of how shitty we are as a person. We are not worth to be chosen, we are cruel, and we are a disappointment.