Noel's Nitemare

I dont feel alive lately. Lots of time people talks to me and I dont hear them. My mind wonder off somewhere but its not like I actually thinking of something. Maybe I'm being sucked in to a black dimension where I'm blind, deaf,and mute. I unconsciously pick black clothes every day. Wear black skin band on my wrist. Hiding the scar? maybe..but I feel like I want to show the world that i'm capable of hurting other human being if they try to mess with me. I can make black bruises on your body if you ask for it. A statement. I tried to be around of people as much as I can find them. But I'm still deaf, blind, and mute. I dont want to be touch. I DONT LIKE TO BE TOUCH. I'm black.

everytime my mother is driving in a high speed, I always imagine what would happen if I suddenly sway the steer to the left? Will we have an accident? Tumbling along the road, break glasses everywhere cutting our faces but that would be after we broke our neck once we hit the top of the car. Or the car will just skid a little coz my mom could handle the car quite well, pull over and I end up having a masterpiece yell from her.

I dont think the cold inside would ever go away. I believed it once and now it turns out I never really abandoned it. Like a little ice cube inside my chest. It never melts away. Fire over fire burned it. It just never melt. Not even a crack. I can try to hide inside the warmth of the girl that I love or the person I put in public but it’ll all be a lie. It was all lie. I’m trying too hard to play all warm inside. You dont have an ice cube inside your chest and just decided one day to melt it away. It never work that way. No hopes will help me. I have to live with it. Being cold.

As I watched my white right hand, I can't help but felling bliss imagining if it's filled with scratches and reds of bloods. It would be beautiful.

The obsessions are getting worst. Almost annoying. I keep on counting more if I feel anxious, waiting for something or someone or if I neglect my work. Then there's these bad thoughts of how I would hurt myself. Falling from stairs, hit my head on a table, or hit by a car. I can imagine like flashes of pictures how it would feel. How my gum would bleed and swollen if it hits the edge of a table. Or how my back would crush when the car's front hit it.