what the face

That face. Sometimes I made the wrong facial expression in a situation. You see, I believe that I dont really have much of genuine facial expression. I learned how to react like normal people do-mainly from movies. That's why one of the reason why I really like TV series. They gave me so much of how-to-react lessons. It's like I have a tape inside my head that record all of these lessons and make a matching situation-reaction process.

After recording, this tape could tell me what to do. An instant voice that telling what to do. Of course in modern life, we learn how to use instant messenger or microblogging. So I learn what to type (say) too. FOr example, if someone say that he/she is hapy then my tape will order me to say "I'm happy that you are happy". The tape tells me what is good to do. If they're happy with what I say or respond THEN I would feel genuinely happy too.

Back to what I was going to share, sometimes I made the wrong facial expressions. The tape has been controlling me for so long that it became almost a program. Normal people can choose what to react or what facial expression to show in some situation. I dont have that privileges. The thinking process works so fast that its as if it is me who choose to make a reaction that way. Recently, the one that really bothering me is the face I make when somebody gives me money.

In my family, it's a common thing to gives younger children money. Yes, they still consider me a child. Of course most of time there are special ocasions like eid mubarak or birthdays, but it's not really necessary to have special ocassions. I don't remember where I learned the facial expression "receiving gift money", but I would make a "Happy Face". You know, the "glowing with enthusiasm" face. Opened mouth, lifted cheek, slightly bulging eye, etc. Just because the tape told me that if someone gives you a gift, you should look happy. So they will feel appreciated. Sometimes a face of a boy with short dirty hair and raggedy suit poped out in my head. Like a beggar. I do feel like a beggar.

Well, lately I've been thinking what if I just dont feel like being "happy". What if I feel rotten inside and right now money wouldn't change of how I feel? I feel negative in so many ways. I feel cheap and inapropriate. But I can't helped it. It become so natural to act that way. "Wearing" that face without actually fell excited with the money.

How weird could I be if I want to erase that lesson from my tape? When sometimes I do really need ti react that way? I'm only opposing that expression when I get the gift from my old man.