mud bottom

I guess there are several types of hitting rock bottom and even then, we'll find new layers that act as a "rock bottom" just to be crushed and we find new layers below it. 

I thought I had it years ago when I woke up with a horrible hangover, in bed with my best friend and having the room looking like the trash island. But nope, I learn that hitting rock bottom can happen again and again in different ways.

Like when I woke up with horrible hangover that I feel like I want to die (Yes, I associate a lot of my "rock bottom" situation with drinking). The thing is, I don't get hangover even after a whole night of drinking shots and various alcoholic beverages. So that means I literally passed my awesome high limit of alcohol tolerance when I got that hangover. 

Or when I can't even put up a mask and lie that I'm okay. That I'm so sick of answering questions of "How are you?" from people. That my "running away" is not even in a form of emotional coping anymore. I'm physically moving myself away from what I consider as danger. Danger for my sanity. A sanity that I question myself if it's still there. 

The most crazy part of all is that I'm still trying to help people. I still genuinely have this empathy and would do the best that I could so these people would never have to feel what I feel. But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm actually hurting myself when I do this. That helping people and neglecting myself is my form of revenge. If that's not crazy. I don't know what you can call it.

There are times when I feel like no one cares or try. Then I reach out and I was disappointed. Over and over it happens. Now I believe that I can't be helped.   

And then there's the scary part. The secret of getting better is all in our own hands. Other people are just reminders and supporters. 

But what if we can't do it alone anymore? What then?

Or you do get people who want to help but their "good intention" can actually be harmful. 

Just tell them. Right? If things are that simple, I wonder why people always have misunderstanding(!) Because these "good intentions" are mostly based on those people's need. Maybe once in a while instead of asking 

"How are you?" 

we should ask 

"Is there anything you need that I can help with?" 

Like a goddamn staff on a retail shop.

Oh fuck this. It's all useless.