Beale

I broke my record. I'm juggling so many people right now just because I can. But it's like people are just being thrown at me left and right without me even trying. No, I'm not bragging, I'm legit confused of how I'm 100% not actively looking for any kind of relationship and suddenly today I'm counting I got a literal handful of people that I'm seeing. Even my family started getting annoyed at how I kept getting distracted with my phone, coming home late and going out even more than I used to.

I still don't have any special feelings for these people (well there's this one great guy, but if I move forward than what we have right now, y'all gonna get a wedding invitation lol), but then she got hooked instantly with this one new girl. The worse and most typical part is, when I learn that she likes this French, I got tickled to play games. A horrible, horrible game that I used to like to play. (Then I got into monogamous relationship for 10 years and I had to stop).

And it's exhilarating. Exciting. She got all warm inside when we make her laugh, while I'm constantly plotting how to keep her in her toes. We got this game going on of who could make each other uncomfortable the most and my lizard brain was like..asdfghjkl.fuck.

When feelings aren't involved, it's all blah, whatever, let's fuck and go home. But when it is, that's when this need to royally destroy everything rises.

And to royally destroy something, you need to put everything in the highest and possibly best situation. Then let's watch everything comes crashin down

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

cold

I dont think the cold inside would ever go away. I believed it once and now it turns out I never really abandoned it. Like a little ice cube inside my chest. It never melts away. Fire over fire burned it. It just never melt. Not even a crack. I can try to hide inside the warmth of the girl that I love or the person I put in public but it’ll all be a lie. It was all lie. I’m trying too hard to play all warm inside. You dont have an ice cube inside your chest and just decided one day to melt it away. It never work that way. No hopes will help me. I have to live with it. Being cold.
Read more

03.10.19

Still struggling. To live. The past month has been hell and I feel like I'm alone. I don't want her to come back because feeling pain that bad is the last thing we need. Not a single tear dropped since she's gone and that is a great achievement. Because the Paranoia is not going away. I can sense the dread just an inch away from my vein. It's there. Waiting for me to lose control and make me FEEL. But I won't let it. And the people that I'm looking for help to, are not capable of caring nor I have any trust left. These people don't wanna know how much pain or trouble they had made in our life. No one would care for a monster, I know that. But this monster was tame and sleeping most of the time. They shouldn't've woken me up. I was just annoyed not being in full control, but it was manageable. And now I feel empty and confused. I can't deal with live alone without her but right now she is a pandora that I don't want to open. I want to die
Read more

why can't I hurt myself?

I don't understand why can't I hurt myself? I'm still doing it in a safe level. I only cut myself on my left hand and it's not even that deep. Just enough to see it bleed. I even stop doing it once my left hand is too full and I can't add any cut no more. Hitting something hard might make me feel good too. But too dangerous. If I broke my hand, what'll I do? Go to the hospital? DUH! And I'm sure it'll hurt like hell. Hahaha..I'm not looking for THAT kind of hurt. Just seepish, tiny, little pain..searing..woah! After I'm done, I always use the alcohol. Hahaha..I dont want to get any disease. You see..I don't hurt anyone by cutting myself. I don't even hurt ME. Instead I make myself feel better. I don't have to feel any pain again inside my chest. It'll be gone. I wish people understand that. I'm not kidding when I say it hurt much more inside my chest.
Read more