And I'm supposed to keep on living

What kind of weirdo cries every other night, gets up being cheerful to everyone else the whole day, gets home, cries again and keep doing the same cycle for years.

Who I am is a deceitful unpleasant human being and all my act of kindness and glee are just my effort to blend in with humanity. I'm too much for myself, so how can I even expect other people to understand.

I think of ending my life repeatedly but I don't know what on the other side. I've been told it's a weak option. I think of other people that I'm scared of hurting when all they do is ignore my plea for help over and over.

I think of cutting all the time but people call it attention seeking. So I hold back and I feel like exploding and hating myself more for having such a weak need. Then I want to cut again.

It's physically painful to feel and fight constantly/ Literally physically painful. And I'm laughing in between crying because nothing make sense. Nothing make sense! lol

I didn't ask to be a weirdo and I swear to God I don't want all this crap. I don't even ask to be happy, I just want to be ok.

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