no inhibition 5.20 AM

This head of mine its not normal.

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why can't I hurt myself?

I don't understand why can't I hurt myself? I'm still doing it in a safe level. I only cut myself on my left hand and it's not even that deep. Just enough to see it bleed. I even stop doing it once my left hand is too full and I can't add any cut no more. Hitting something hard might make me feel good too. But too dangerous. If I broke my hand, what'll I do? Go to the hospital? DUH! And I'm sure it'll hurt like hell. Hahaha..I'm not looking for THAT kind of hurt. Just seepish, tiny, little pain..searing..woah! After I'm done, I always use the alcohol. Hahaha..I dont want to get any disease. You see..I don't hurt anyone by cutting myself. I don't even hurt ME. Instead I make myself feel better. I don't have to feel any pain again inside my chest. It'll be gone. I wish people understand that. I'm not kidding when I say it hurt much more inside my chest.
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Fuck your feelings

 What about mine? WHY AM I ALWAYS BE THE ONE THAT HAS TO KEEP MY CALM? WHY AM I ALWAYS BE THE ONE THAT HAS TO CARE ABOUT OTHERS FEELING? WHY AM I ALWAYS BE THE ONE THAT HAS TO SUFFER IN SILENCE? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL AND YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO HEAL IF THIS KEEPS ON HAPPENING?? ITS JUST ONE SCAR AFTER ANOTHER   The irony of me stopping myself slicing my own hand because there is no more space to mark. Who would've thought that my heart has more space to rest my scars than my fucking skin. 
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permanent mark

I'm starting to think about hurting my hand again. But I'm too afraid that the next scar would leave another permanent mark like what I had now on my wrist. Lushka's would leave me too if I'd ever do it again. Sometimes I don't believe her, but sometimes I know that she has this pride of her that wouldn't let compassion get in the way. I feel ashame of course, each time one of my friends sees my scar. I know they would wonder what happened. Maybe they think I'd have been trying to kill myself, hahahaha..that is so stupid and so annoying. This scar makes me look stupid. This scar makes me look suicidal. I don't. I just like to cut myself you moron! I believe this is God's punishment. I've been cutting myself since elementary school and the permanent mark just suddenly decided to showed up last year?? oH, come on..God's definitley playing with me. I wan't to cut myself SO BAD each time I feel hurt inside. I guess, I need to settle with hitt...
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