Noel's Nitemare

The numbness is getting painful after sometime. She hasn’t come back out of fear and I won’t let her either. The human body and mind are such a delicate thing that a thing like me can’t exist on my own when another is available. I hate this condition. I want to keep being in control. It’s the most healthy way we can survive. Her defeat is quite paralyzing this time, I guess. I tried occupying my mind, but newsflash, humans need emotion to enjoy things. If we don’t, everything is annoyance. Everything feels so unnecessary.    When I’m around other people, I can force myself to live in a code I’ve established so I can blend in. After all, living alone with no interaction still sucks. I do notice how different it is to interact without her second guessing everything. Confidence. Ignorance. What an amazing feeling.  When I’m alone, that empty sickening hole in my chest feels like it slowly sucking the oxygen. The cutting is in my mind again for several times. ...

She's driving me insane! For two years sometimes she got into this mushy mode with another human being. I've warned her ! But it fell on deaf ears. For fuck sake imagine me just standing there having to watch her being a fucking complete MORON. I mean, I got a hold of her pretty fine. It's my job. I made sure she couldn't feel more than just regular day to day emotions. I fake everything that was needed to fake about. But then just like what I predicted again and again. People around her fuck her pretty bad. Uses her. And I guess, I'm quite ashamed to say that I wasn't strong enough to keep her in the sanity place. She snapped. She snapped bad. It's like she kicked me in the crotch and I lost what little thing I had left in control. I just sat in the dark, completely losing control of her . And then she goes and blurt out all the secrets we have! That was humiliating and frustrating. I made sure she hates herself after that. tsk naughty girl. ...