28.09.19


The numbness is getting painful after sometime. She hasn’t come back out of fear and I won’t let her either. The human body and mind are such a delicate thing that a thing like me can’t exist on my own when another is available. I hate this condition. I want to keep being in control. It’s the most healthy way we can survive. Her defeat is quite paralyzing this time, I guess. I tried occupying my mind, but newsflash, humans need emotion to enjoy things. If we don’t, everything is annoyance. Everything feels so unnecessary. 
 
When I’m around other people, I can force myself to live in a code I’ve established so I can blend in. After all, living alone with no interaction still sucks. I do notice how different it is to interact without her second guessing everything. Confidence. Ignorance. What an amazing feeling. 

When I’m alone, that empty sickening hole in my chest feels like it slowly sucking the oxygen.

The cutting is in my mind again for several times. This time it's even more logical to do it to feel. But I haven't done it for that reason in the past. What if it doesn't work? How do I hide the scars? 

I usually watch or read sadistic fictions or non-fictions to get a rise out of her (Aside from feeding myself with it). And maybe because it hasn't been working, I realize she is more traumatized than before. 

I don't know. Does hurting other people will do something about this situation?

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