Noel's Nitemare

Come on bleed..you're so beautiful when you're bleed. It tastes so good when you're bleed. We'll continue tonight..=) right now, let this one bleed, soaking through your jacket. Ssh...feel the freedom. You're in control again. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

If I could touch you and hold you, I would. I will protect you from everyone and everything that hurt you. I won't ask anything from you. I don't have to ask what you feel. I will only do what you need. I will help you. We're together in this. We always were. I will show you how much I care. Take a breathe and lay back. I promise even if you're dead, I will always be with you. After I made their life a living hell of course. Then it would be doubling the pleasure coz they'll go to hell anyway when they die. How much of these words have they said? Hate them. Love me. I'm unconditionally. How much of these words have they said? Have they said they understand like I do? No, they have not. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

As I turned off the lights, get inside the blanket, all I could remember was how desperate I was to just have somebody sleeping next to me. I never cared anything passed that. Maybe he did too. *Gasped and hitched breath. Fear of losing control. Mistaken imagination over reality. I almost afraid to fell asleep.* Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

DO NOT listens to the voice in your head. They want nothing but to ruin your perfect record of self-control. You are stronger than this. It doesn't worth a dime. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I feel like a junkie. I need to proof myself I'm strong. No one, NO ONE will outstepped me from controlling her. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

Want to say something witty, being a smart-ass, cruel joke, insult someone to show I'm moving on, but I can't. My mind just wont stop re-playing. I feel sick everytime. I'd stop eating if those memories comes back. I couldn't even get off before because of it. I'd just stop. I feel like an animal. If I held a gun or knife, I might killed someone that night. If only there was the right people at the right time. Not being able to control myself disgust me. I thought I'm enough to held back any primal act. I was born to help her get through shit. Turns out I can still defeated by liquor. Water. Stupid fucking liquid let down my defenses. As if its a reminder of those moments when that driver touched me comes back again. Those moments when that girl undressed me for the first time, when I thrust my fingers to pleased other people, when I let my boyfriends used me, when I do things to kids. I'm not okay. I might be born when Mithya was looking for a guardian th...

You need a psychologist if you are an angry teenage with bad sense of responsibility and motivation, but you don't need one if you're emotionally unstable with self-mutilation as a coping mechanism.

Nobody fucking believes me. So I'm a liar now? Have you ever been THAT wasted, assholes? If you never been, shut the fuck up! I have no control at all, and as weird as it seems, I really did seems like jumping in and out of my head through the night. I didn't do anything. I WILL NOT BE BLAMED. I feel insulted. If I cheated on purpose, that means I'm stupid. That bordering on insulting my intelligence. Why the fuck would I cheated and then running away saying I didn't remember! This is not a FUCKING movie assholes! Yea, next thing I'd say would be "I have double personality. It wasnt me!" Oh, FUCK YOU ALL. I hate it that I become more paranoid. Feels like everyone is whispering behind my back. You people are just happy to get more drama aren't you? You lookin for new jerks and villains. Then you run and offers hug to whom you called victims. There's just so much confusion and anger. I don't know and I don't understand what to do. Now bec...

Yesterday is definitely gonna win if its running for the lowest point of my life. I’ve waken up with a dried pool blood in my bed and that was nothing compared to yesterday. The plan was just getting wasted. To enjoy being drunk, flying, laughing, forgetting every fucking problem, and then wake up feeling like shit. I knew and I’m prepared to feel the worst hangover ever. But I didnt prepare for anything like yesterday. The “wasted plan” with Jude was suppose to take place on Saturday night last week. But shit always happens to me and something happened in my family so it had to be postponed. My date with Lushka was ruin too. Last week I just hate everything and all the family dramas I have to suck up and be the adult. I actually felt bad coz Ive been postponing EVERY plan I promised to Jude. He kept asking to go hangout or come over and stay at my place. Weeks, I guess, saying “Yea, ok, cool, you can come over but I have to check my schedule.”. Yeah right. What schedule? Mopi...

I keep feeling dirty and disgusted with myself. Fucking a friend is one thing, fucking another brother is too much. Gonna take a bath now. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I screw up. I still feels like I want to puke all the time. But its more because of I'm feeling sick with myself. I really wish she could just go home already. I keep making people around me turned gay. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

When I smoke, I want to jam the cig into my skin. Everytime its getting worst. I'm running out of options to hurt myself. But Noel CAN NOT be ugly. Burnt marks on skin are just not cool. Ok, maybe I'll start slashing my ribs. Coz thighs..I wouldn't know if I poke to wrong vein and then I'd die bleeding. That would just be stupid. I wish I could do it to my back. Huf. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

This is not important, but I realized that I always managed to finished a bottle or a can of alcoholic beverage in half an hour. cool.

I should've waited until 1 AM (yea, me and my compulsive personality said so), but I cant wait it any longer. 3 minutes too fast and I'm starting my first lager beer of the day. and I dont even like beer! hahaha...Got some mix codka ready too. I play my electropop playlist for tonight. It seems fit for my mood. Cheerie eerie something..well, let's the party begin!

Just when I was all planning about going out get some beer, well, a dozen of 'em, it's been raining all day. I really want to get wasted tonight while watching football. Maybe buy some peanuts and snack. I still havent decide what to buy though. Beer or vodka? hmm..but I have to do it tonight if I want to get wasted. Coz tomorrow is still wednesday. I have a doctor appointment on thursday. Cant get a hangover if I have to see the doctor right? haha.. Damn, rain. stop already.

And I wondered why you stop talking to people around you. Now I understand. It made you angry how she react isn't it? When she's the one who keep doing it. She's the reason and she's angry at you. Life's not fair isn't it? You're hurt? That is why I'm here, mithya. So you don't have to feel hurt. Talk to me. When you dreamed, I dreamed it too. You don't even need to waste your breath to re-tell the story. I can hear you loud and clear. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I guess it's easier to talk with strangers. They dont know anything so I dont need to be angry at them for not knowing or for not helping. Strangers helps me forget too, now that its almost impossible to slash my hand again. coz now it leaves marks. Yea, God, I know, you care in your own way. But that's not enough. Once I could get out of the house, I'll buy a pack of alcohol and just get wasted.

When did we become so dysfungsional? Why did it have to take 10 years to be completely broken?

Queen of Alien : "I can only pray to God that He will gives me health so, I dont know, I wouldn't feel depressed in these hard times." My eyes were automatically straight upward almost doing a complete rolling in mock disgust. But I still knew better. I stop and just stare at random wall, shutting down my ability to hear anything

At first I didnt really realize that there's a loud bang outside my room coz I was too busy laughing reading some crackfic. Then it happened again the second time and my curiousity told me to turn down my iTunes volume. But I knew better..why would I want to listen to them yelling at each other?

The urges the be evil is just too strong. I'm angry all the time because my breath are shorter than they usually are. I keep on feeling suffocated.

Girls are easier to be seduced when they're emotionally unstable. I dont mean the crazy one. I mean I slipped in when their guard was done. and then play a little with their hearts. Make them cry because of me. There's nothing more cliche but true than, "only the one who matters who could makes you cry". The problem is (and for my advantages), girls believes this. They doesnt even know that they're not really having a crush on me. They THINK they're in love.

I wonder how many people jerk off tonight with Luna maya's and Ariel's sex tape? hahahaha...it's a pretty good show actually. And Oh my God, Luna has a killer body. She shouldn't feel ashamed. These days, who's not having pre-marital sex? It's not a shock really. Yea, its immoral and sinful. But she should just chill. Now that half the country knows and seen all of her. haahahaha...bravo.

Those memories now are just a big bufoon sex party