lowest point of my life
Yesterday is definitely gonna win if its running for the lowest point of my life. I’ve waken up with a dried pool blood in my bed and that was nothing compared to yesterday. The plan was just getting wasted. To enjoy being drunk, flying, laughing, forgetting every fucking problem, and then wake up feeling like shit. I knew and I’m prepared to feel the worst hangover ever. But I didnt prepare for anything like yesterday.
The “wasted plan” with Jude was suppose to take place on Saturday night last week. But shit always happens to me and something happened in my family so it had to be postponed. My date with Lushka was ruin too. Last week I just hate everything and all the family dramas I have to suck up and be the adult.
I actually felt bad coz Ive been postponing EVERY plan I promised to Jude. He kept asking to go hangout or come over and stay at my place. Weeks, I guess, saying “Yea, ok, cool, you can come over but I have to check my schedule.”. Yeah right. What schedule? Moping, brooding, feeling empty inside schedule- I mean. But he didnt know that.
So I thought lets just get over this. One more stay over with “wasted plan”. The problem was, I’m not as excited anymore with the plan. I’m feeling more worse everyday and I didnt really need a companion yesterday. Wasted, yes. Friend, no.
We started the drink fest at 9 PM while watching world cup. We opened a big bottle of Carlsberg and share it. Drink up. Emptied it by the match's half-time. The second half-time we opened hoegarden. We started laughing at every thing. He got high pretty quickly actually. I did think he began more touchy than he usually is. Putting his hands on my shoulders while laughing, sitting way too close in the bed, etc. I realized this cos we both always look at each other as brothers. And touching each other, even the slightest innocent contact of skin between us is just not acceptable. Yeah, Jude and I are homophobic that way. While I just felt more loose. And yeah, the laughing. It’s like life’s fucking beautiful. Nothing to brood about. By the time the world cup match was finished, so was the bottles in our hands. We continued watching an anime he brought until midnite.
The beers I drank made me feels sleepy and I was almost asleep until he asked me when will we start opening the vodka. So I thought again, “let’s just get this over it” again.
He used to mixed his own drink back when he was still living abroad. So I let him mixed our drink. It doesn't need any math skill thou. Pretty much half glass of Vodka and half glass of OJ. But he did told me that he mixed the vodka more than usual. Whatever, I thought. We’re gonna finished up the whole two bottle. No matter how he’s gonna mixed it, all those alcohol are gonna get in to my stomach anyway.
More laughing. More talking out loud. More cursing. We even get out of the room, all tipsy and giggling just to get the ice downstairs. The queen and Malin are still awake, and the adrenaline rush of not being caught was the best part.
There were still a little hint of consciousness left when we got back to my room. We drank and laughed some more and I just cant get up anymore. I cant feel my face. I just lay on my bed feeling pretty awesome actually and Jude was still talking gibberish on the floor. But then he talked a little bit too loud and too close. I even have to hold my hand on his mouth a couple of time and said “sshh..! you’re too loud.” I glanced at the clock and it showed 1 AM. I still remember thinking, “Half an hour to another match. I will watch it. It’s south korean match, MY team.”
Then everything went dark..I was at the verge of Jude's bed side, on top of him, kissing and sucking his neck. I didn't even feel anything...another blackout and my hand was between his legs..another blackout...I was sitting on the floor (my bed side), retching twice, emptying every food I had from my stomach. Another blackout and when I woke up I was already on my bed, its 6AM already. Without thinking, I get up and went to the bathroom. I didnt even knew what for. But when I look at the mirror, I was a mess. I made a quick shower. There were puke on my hair and all over my shirt. We haven't even opened the second bottle.
When I get back to the bed, jude was already awake too. The first thing he said was, “Fuck, what did we do, man? Did I kissed you?”
I cant remember the kissing part, thank god. But somehow I did know that he kissed me. So I said “Yes, and stuff”. I even checked his neck, fearing I left a mark. It’s not until afternoon that we both realize that he got two hickies on his neck and I got a bruised scratch on my wrist.
Then he told me that he puked all over my floor after the god damn kiss. He remembered he said sorry over and over after he kissed me. But he said he didn't know who initiate it first. Bull! He wouldnt have to say sorry if it was me!
He asked if I was Ok with it. I answered, yes. It’s not the first time I kissed a girl. It should've been me who asked him that. But he seems ok. He even said that he remembered moaning out loud and feared that somebody hears it. Right. If he’s talking about moaning, he’s fine with it, right?
Then I remembered I have a girlfriend. And passed out again. Around 10 AM, we both begin to sober up and had to make plan of cleaning all the puke on the floor. Then my girlfriend called me asking how I was doing. “Don't talk about it now, please.” Then the queen called, talking about she had another fight with Malin and begins to sob on the phone.
Fuck, great. Here I am in bed with what suppose to be my best friend, who I thought as homophobic as I am, had a make out drunk session that we both couldn't even remember half of it, and he seemed like enjoying it coz he cant stop talking about it, my floor were covered with puke, I cheated (technically), my professors are all pushing me to do thesis in one week to get my cum laude, hangover, and Mithya’s mom crying on the phone. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
After all the clean up, I went downstairs and puke again. But there’s nothing left except a great amount of stomach acid and some blood I spit. I called Lushka and told her everything. I just need to get out my room. I can't stand the mixed smell of puke, vodka and OJ or even Jude. He’s supposed to be my best friend. He wasn't suppose to kissed me. I thought I have a friend that I didnt have to fuck. Every close friend I got, it always lead to something as low as physical relation or they fell for me. I feel dirty and nausea at the time. I can't look at Jude because I feel sick. I feel like I'm back at the spot I was years a go. Where physical things happens just because other people wanted to. I feel used and I feel angry. I know I would never initiate the kiss. Everything happened without even me or mithya in the drive seat. Like our body react like that because it was the only thing it knows what to do in that situation. We were a slut. Our body knows that.
I still can't eat until today. I keep feeling want to puke. Jude is my best friend, bordering on brother. It’s like incest and it’s disgusting. I even had a draft talking about what a great bestfriend he is. Now, I'm not even sure I want to post it. I'm not Ok that he feels Ok. I feel betrayed by and dissapointed at him.
The “wasted plan” with Jude was suppose to take place on Saturday night last week. But shit always happens to me and something happened in my family so it had to be postponed. My date with Lushka was ruin too. Last week I just hate everything and all the family dramas I have to suck up and be the adult.
I actually felt bad coz Ive been postponing EVERY plan I promised to Jude. He kept asking to go hangout or come over and stay at my place. Weeks, I guess, saying “Yea, ok, cool, you can come over but I have to check my schedule.”. Yeah right. What schedule? Moping, brooding, feeling empty inside schedule- I mean. But he didnt know that.
So I thought lets just get over this. One more stay over with “wasted plan”. The problem was, I’m not as excited anymore with the plan. I’m feeling more worse everyday and I didnt really need a companion yesterday. Wasted, yes. Friend, no.
We started the drink fest at 9 PM while watching world cup. We opened a big bottle of Carlsberg and share it. Drink up. Emptied it by the match's half-time. The second half-time we opened hoegarden. We started laughing at every thing. He got high pretty quickly actually. I did think he began more touchy than he usually is. Putting his hands on my shoulders while laughing, sitting way too close in the bed, etc. I realized this cos we both always look at each other as brothers. And touching each other, even the slightest innocent contact of skin between us is just not acceptable. Yeah, Jude and I are homophobic that way. While I just felt more loose. And yeah, the laughing. It’s like life’s fucking beautiful. Nothing to brood about. By the time the world cup match was finished, so was the bottles in our hands. We continued watching an anime he brought until midnite.
The beers I drank made me feels sleepy and I was almost asleep until he asked me when will we start opening the vodka. So I thought again, “let’s just get this over it” again.
He used to mixed his own drink back when he was still living abroad. So I let him mixed our drink. It doesn't need any math skill thou. Pretty much half glass of Vodka and half glass of OJ. But he did told me that he mixed the vodka more than usual. Whatever, I thought. We’re gonna finished up the whole two bottle. No matter how he’s gonna mixed it, all those alcohol are gonna get in to my stomach anyway.
More laughing. More talking out loud. More cursing. We even get out of the room, all tipsy and giggling just to get the ice downstairs. The queen and Malin are still awake, and the adrenaline rush of not being caught was the best part.
There were still a little hint of consciousness left when we got back to my room. We drank and laughed some more and I just cant get up anymore. I cant feel my face. I just lay on my bed feeling pretty awesome actually and Jude was still talking gibberish on the floor. But then he talked a little bit too loud and too close. I even have to hold my hand on his mouth a couple of time and said “sshh..! you’re too loud.” I glanced at the clock and it showed 1 AM. I still remember thinking, “Half an hour to another match. I will watch it. It’s south korean match, MY team.”
Then everything went dark..I was at the verge of Jude's bed side, on top of him, kissing and sucking his neck. I didn't even feel anything...another blackout and my hand was between his legs..another blackout...I was sitting on the floor (my bed side), retching twice, emptying every food I had from my stomach. Another blackout and when I woke up I was already on my bed, its 6AM already. Without thinking, I get up and went to the bathroom. I didnt even knew what for. But when I look at the mirror, I was a mess. I made a quick shower. There were puke on my hair and all over my shirt. We haven't even opened the second bottle.
When I get back to the bed, jude was already awake too. The first thing he said was, “Fuck, what did we do, man? Did I kissed you?”
I cant remember the kissing part, thank god. But somehow I did know that he kissed me. So I said “Yes, and stuff”. I even checked his neck, fearing I left a mark. It’s not until afternoon that we both realize that he got two hickies on his neck and I got a bruised scratch on my wrist.
Then he told me that he puked all over my floor after the god damn kiss. He remembered he said sorry over and over after he kissed me. But he said he didn't know who initiate it first. Bull! He wouldnt have to say sorry if it was me!
He asked if I was Ok with it. I answered, yes. It’s not the first time I kissed a girl. It should've been me who asked him that. But he seems ok. He even said that he remembered moaning out loud and feared that somebody hears it. Right. If he’s talking about moaning, he’s fine with it, right?
Then I remembered I have a girlfriend. And passed out again. Around 10 AM, we both begin to sober up and had to make plan of cleaning all the puke on the floor. Then my girlfriend called me asking how I was doing. “Don't talk about it now, please.” Then the queen called, talking about she had another fight with Malin and begins to sob on the phone.
Fuck, great. Here I am in bed with what suppose to be my best friend, who I thought as homophobic as I am, had a make out drunk session that we both couldn't even remember half of it, and he seemed like enjoying it coz he cant stop talking about it, my floor were covered with puke, I cheated (technically), my professors are all pushing me to do thesis in one week to get my cum laude, hangover, and Mithya’s mom crying on the phone. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
After all the clean up, I went downstairs and puke again. But there’s nothing left except a great amount of stomach acid and some blood I spit. I called Lushka and told her everything. I just need to get out my room. I can't stand the mixed smell of puke, vodka and OJ or even Jude. He’s supposed to be my best friend. He wasn't suppose to kissed me. I thought I have a friend that I didnt have to fuck. Every close friend I got, it always lead to something as low as physical relation or they fell for me. I feel dirty and nausea at the time. I can't look at Jude because I feel sick. I feel like I'm back at the spot I was years a go. Where physical things happens just because other people wanted to. I feel used and I feel angry. I know I would never initiate the kiss. Everything happened without even me or mithya in the drive seat. Like our body react like that because it was the only thing it knows what to do in that situation. We were a slut. Our body knows that.
I still can't eat until today. I keep feeling want to puke. Jude is my best friend, bordering on brother. It’s like incest and it’s disgusting. I even had a draft talking about what a great bestfriend he is. Now, I'm not even sure I want to post it. I'm not Ok that he feels Ok. I feel betrayed by and dissapointed at him.
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