put myself together

Want to say something witty, being a smart-ass, cruel joke, insult someone to show I'm moving on, but I can't. My mind just wont stop re-playing. I feel sick everytime. I'd stop eating if those memories comes back. I couldn't even get off before because of it. I'd just stop. I feel like an animal. If I held a gun or knife, I might killed someone that night. If only there was the right people at the right time. Not being able to control myself disgust me. I thought I'm enough to held back any primal act. I was born to help her get through shit. Turns out I can still defeated by liquor. Water. Stupid fucking liquid let down my defenses.

As if its a reminder of those moments when that driver touched me comes back again. Those moments when that girl undressed me for the first time, when I thrust my fingers to pleased other people, when I let my boyfriends used me, when I do things to kids. I'm not okay. I might be born when Mithya was looking for a guardian the day she realized her father was an asshole. But Mithya was not an innocent being either. I might be the logic heartless satan, but she is the self. Before me, everything she done was hers. She has done things I can not even do myself. I will take her secret to our graves. Now I need to know how to deal with this. I need to put myself together.

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