Noel's Nitemare

It's satisfying to listen to Slim Shady as I wash the blood soaked clothes and scrubs the tools clean from dried blood.

I can see you drooling. It's not attractive at all and you look more like a bitch than a human. Do I need to put a leash on you? Feels like cutting your happy wagging tail and stuffed it up your own cunt. You can't handle this when you're on your four. Go home before I break some of your little sad paws.

See, I told you they don't understand. I know about this better than anyone around you will ever be. Ignore them. What do they know about the real you? All they can do is judge and forced their ways on you. It's sickening when you hear these people talk about things they think they know. I don't judge you. This is how I'm going to make you survive this stupid self-righteous fucked up world. Keep it between us.

I am drunk right now and I think this will be the right tme to settlt this story once and for all. of what happened that night 4 ywars a go when i "fucked" Jude. Or so what people believe  i did. June 2010. The month she turned 25. Jude was having a hard time herslef. She was just forced to come back to Jkarta when she was ready to marry this german/aussi guy. She was head over heel for him and once her mom sniffed someting worng, she was yanked from her dream in Aussie ad shoved to live in Jakarta to be a nice girl everyone thinks she is.. TBH, YES, I do believe she got this vive gooing on for me after I came out for her. Because sriously, I knew she was queer a loooong time ago sinc high school. And what kind of a person making nicname and a diffeent story life with a guy persona if she's not queer?? huh??  OK. gotta right this as fast as i can before i'm gone. ANYWAY. We kept on talking about just getting high or drunk together. Because she does this all the...

The girl is struggling to choose between to let it all be out there for people to know or keep it with her for as long as she lives. As much as I want her to stop being the only bad person, here, if this shit goes out, she's sinking a lot of ships. Including her in it. She knows she'll regret it and it will destroy her. But it never stopped her before, doesn't it? I'm part to blame. She does blame me for making her numb and forget that she's actually hurt. I'm good at that. She didn't heal properly every time I do that. Problem is, when it all came crashing back in full force, sometimes I lost my grip on her. She wants to lash out in anger, but I've been keeping her down. I'm the only one who understand what's in her head. I will not allow her erratic behavior ruin my reign in this body. She's been torturing herself with a lot of trash talk to herself. She keeps on fighting in her own head, trying to gain recognition of what she actually ...

While I broke down 3 girls after sex. I don't know if it's impressive or I'm just evil.

Blood gives iodine a much darker colour and she's not done. I don't know anymore who fights for her life now because, fuck, as much as I want her be gone from this reality, I really want to make everyone who ever hurt her suffer for the rest of their life.

You know why it works? Because even though she pulls off a cold front, she's actually warm inside while when you are pulling a warm front, you are nothing but a cold callous bastard. You get off doing projections when you're dying inside trying to push away all the things you already know for years. You don't want to embrace it because from maturity you learn that no one wants to end up alone when they're old and you hold on to that. It kills you to lie to yourself everyday. You never changed, you just learn how to hide it better. Say it. You like hurting.

Why are you doing this? You obviously have a lot to say, but you choose to keep on showing just your good happy side. You've been miserable and you've been locking everyone else out. And the worst is actually you locking yourself from yourself

I don't know where this anger come from. A cold that just slowly seeping in. Lie. I know what it is. WHO it is. Time is ticking and I'm supposed to think but all I can think about are just ways of hurting myself. I'm more dangerous for other people than myself. I have to consider to end myself. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be thinking about.

Her parents are using their fresh pain about losing their own parents to make her smile. Saying that she will regret not giving her parents some smile before it's too late. Ha. If only they knew that she didn't feel anything when she imagined their death. A relieve and a lot of resent were the only thing felt. Good girl...

This head of mine its not normal.