Noel's Nitemare

She's on the meds again, giving me more control over us. This may stop us being intoxicated on most nights. The meds help to numb things just like how liquor does, without the inhibition problem, but with horrible nausea, headache, and breathing problem perhaps for the next days or week. We don't mind though. We need them.

Do you even know how many people said, "Hey Mithya, you should work for the government!" They say this because they know I'm such an idealist and they believe that I can make a change with how corrupt our government is. Like, for real I do wish for the best for humankind and just for citizens in terms of laws. And this is why my friends think I'm a good candidate for a government person. So I can make "a change" somehow. Here's the thing. No one is perfect. I'm obviously not perfect. I have a personality and attitude that doesn't fit for west or east (ern) world. Yes, I will fight for the best morale and attitude a society can have, but I'm also having a little part of me that is a psychopath. Where I think torturing "bad people" is okay. I don't even want them to be killed. I want them to be tortured. Such as rapists and pedophiles and IDK I'm drunk so I can't named them all, that have done their crimes more tha...

I want to rip my heart out. Throw it on the floor. Stomp on it. Beat it. Cut it. Stab it. I want it to stop working. Please. Please make it stop.

I guess there are several types of hitting rock bottom and even then, we'll find new layers that act as a "rock bottom" just to be crushed and we find new layers below it.  I thought I had it years ago when I woke up with a horrible hangover, in bed with my best friend and having the room looking like the trash island. But nope, I learn that hitting rock bottom can happen again and again in different ways. Like when I woke up with horrible hangover that I feel like I want to die (Yes, I associate a lot of my "rock bottom" situation with drinking). The thing is, I don't get hangover even after a whole night of drinking shots and various alcoholic beverages. So that means I literally passed my awesome high limit of alcohol tolerance when I got that hangover.  Or when I can't even put up a mask and lie that I'm okay. That I'm so sick of answering questions of "How are you?" from people. That my "running away" is ...

We are not okay. We are fighting every day because she can't pull herself together after she lost the very person that ironically I condemn as a selfish evil. We fight everyday because we can't choose one feeling to understand what it is that we are truly feeling. I don't know how long she will survive this facade. She lets me put on a front but I feel what she feels. She tries so hard to be positive and I've tried so hard to protect her harder than ever. but betrayal is always the biggest wound she couldn't handle right. That's what destroyed her and I am what have become out of it. How can I help her when I'm a product of the very pain she's struggling to accept now? We have no one. Not the ones that understand. We only settle with one word to explain what it is we feel in our chest. Heavy.

I'm just so tired. Sometimes I need help. And I swear I reached out. Well, I'm wrong. Like a fool I keep thinking maybe this time someone would help. Something would change. I reached out, I swear. Right now I'm having a battle with myself to end it or keep thinking of the few people that I'm thinking would be affected.

An hour of not thinking of her feels like a vacation from hell. Oh well, here we go again!

Am I going to hit another low? Today I learn her fight is so weak that it was just basically courtesy. Yes I feel nauseous afterward but it was me finding out that she's almost completely gone. What's the fun on keep doing these things if she's gonna give all the control to me? Where is her responsibility? I know what society deemed as right and wrong. I just don't care what society thinks. And if I don't feel bad, why should I pretend to feel bad? Eh, I can hear her still trying to talk me out of it. A scared whisper. But she was never relevant to begin with. This is the second (maybe third?) time I was mistaken to think that I have hit my low. That means it's probably will never stop. There is no "hitting bottom".

I love you. I love you with all that I have and everything that I don't. How do I move on? I love you and I hate myself everytime I admit it