Noel's Nitemare

It works. The pain in my chest was gone for almost a whole day. The prickling pain and the sight of fresh blood that kept on coming was wonderful. Held a piece of tissue against it and enjoyed it turned completely red. And yea, couldn't help myself just slicing one time. I kept slashing until I feel like it's enough. No one knows. I even did it with one of her partners on the other side of the phone. I then had to use jacket the whole time I'm out of my room to cover my arm. But the pain in my chest is slowly creeping back in by night. I want to cut again, but I have a lot of reservations. I do think logically about this. If it only works for about a day, I'll be running out space pretty soon. Then what?

I think I'm gonna do it tonight. It's been in my head for weeks. I haven't done it for probably more than three years. Because I never need it anymore. I am flat, but the pain in my chest never stop. I think she lie there and sleep. I've broken the tip of rusted razor blade so it's sharp again. I'll drench my arm and the blade with alcohol and I'll slide the blade along the inner arm. I'm thinking one long slit would have been enough, but my mind keeps pushing my imagination to just keep slashing. I'm harboring a lot of anger and who would be the perfect target than myself alone. Yes, I know there are people who hurt me to this extend. But they don't care and what's the point on dwelling on that. It's my fault that I was stupid enough to be treated like shit. Then I'll drink some vodka. Hoping it won't interfere with the blood clotting oh. I've been thinking on making a suicide note too. Just in case.  

Still struggling. To live. The past month has been hell and I feel like I'm alone. I don't want her to come back because feeling pain that bad is the last thing we need. Not a single tear dropped since she's gone and that is a great achievement. Because the Paranoia is not going away. I can sense the dread just an inch away from my vein. It's there. Waiting for me to lose control and make me FEEL. But I won't let it. And the people that I'm looking for help to, are not capable of caring nor I have any trust left. These people don't wanna know how much pain or trouble they had made in our life. No one would care for a monster, I know that. But this monster was tame and sleeping most of the time. They shouldn't've woken me up. I was just annoyed not being in full control, but it was manageable. And now I feel empty and confused. I can't deal with live alone without her but right now she is a pandora that I don't want to open. I want to die...

The numbness is getting painful after sometime. She hasn’t come back out of fear and I won’t let her either. The human body and mind are such a delicate thing that a thing like me can’t exist on my own when another is available. I hate this condition. I want to keep being in control. It’s the most healthy way we can survive. Her defeat is quite paralyzing this time, I guess. I tried occupying my mind, but newsflash, humans need emotion to enjoy things. If we don’t, everything is annoyance. Everything feels so unnecessary.    When I’m around other people, I can force myself to live in a code I’ve established so I can blend in. After all, living alone with no interaction still sucks. I do notice how different it is to interact without her second guessing everything. Confidence. Ignorance. What an amazing feeling.  When I’m alone, that empty sickening hole in my chest feels like it slowly sucking the oxygen. The cutting is in my mind again for several times. ...

She's driving me insane! For two years sometimes she got into this mushy mode with another human being. I've warned her ! But it fell on deaf ears. For fuck sake imagine me just standing there having to watch her being a fucking complete MORON. I mean, I got a hold of her pretty fine. It's my job. I made sure she couldn't feel more than just regular day to day emotions. I fake everything that was needed to fake about. But then just like what I predicted again and again. People around her fuck her pretty bad. Uses her. And I guess, I'm quite ashamed to say that I wasn't strong enough to keep her in the sanity place. She snapped. She snapped bad. It's like she kicked me in the crotch and I lost what little thing I had left in control. I just sat in the dark, completely losing control of her . And then she goes and blurt out all the secrets we have! That was humiliating and frustrating. I made sure she hates herself after that. tsk naughty girl. ...

Her father in the weekend, basically told her that she is not important. That she is not a priority. And she knows that her father is sick and wrong, but then what's left? She was raised with a believe that no matter what, family is the only one who would help you in the most horrible situation. She can't help believing in that. It's like a spell. A brainwash. And she feels worthless. I can't help her . She's not listening.