Noel's Nitemare

When people ask me about how I do or when I’m in a situation where I should tell my close friends about my family, my jaw gets hard. And then I cant think straight. I want to tell how miserable my house is, but its just too much and it goes waaaaaaaay back. And then I need to edit what information I should let loose right at that moment. A professional would spotted that trouble right away. And my friends are all a soon-to-be psychologits. Haha, how ironic is that. It’s getting worst by the way. The yelling between my mom and my brother happens every damn day. Sometimes it scared the shit out of me. I just want to run and hide. I’d turn up the TV or my audio speaker. But then I can hear they start throwing things or banging the door. You can’t ignore those kind of sounds. It crawls through the wall. Then all kind of feelings would rained on me.. Angry, sad, confused, guilty....I don’t understand why it has such a big effect on me. I get so weak and cold. It’s like their yelling AT me. ...

I'm planning to hurt myself, but I can't do it now. I was almost took a knife from the kitchen when I suddenly remembers that in a couple of week its goin to be my girlfriend's birthday. I can't show up with scars. It'll hurt her. I'll be ruining her day. Which if I'm not mistaken, she hates it already because of all the dramas that's always happens on her birthday. When? Soon. It's not gonna be a necessary act anymore. It will be a show off. So the bitch will remember what lenght a person could do to show much how much they're hurt. I used to punished myself. I'm punishing the bitch now. Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT

I'm a sick sick boy in a sick sick world It's not a sick sick thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I do do will hate you much Hate you much I can see the first leaf falling It's all yellow and nice It's so very cold outside Like the way I'm feeling inside I'm a sick sick boy in a sick sick world It's not a sick sick thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I do do will hate you much Hate you much Outside it's now raining And bloods are pouring from my veins Why did it have to happen Why did it all have to end? I'm a sick sick boy in a sick sick world It's not a sick sick thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I do do will hate you much Hate you much I have your arms around me Warm like fire, ha But when I open my eyes, you're gone It's originally Emilia's "Big World" song. Cant help singing it this way in my head.

I’m having suicidal thoughts again. That’s the common human terms. Coz mine is not like what other people usually have. I just want to dissapear into thin air. Without pain and without me having to do anything with it. An alien ship attack perhaps? and shoot me with rays of light and I just evaporate into nothingness. Of course the casual way of suicide occurs. Like hanging myself. But I dont have anything in my room that could be used as a place to hang me. Or pills and potions? I believe it’ll lead me to an incredible stomach ache before I die. I hate stomach ache. Sometimes cutting my veins looks like a great idea. Coz that’s my speciality. So I could leave a big mess in my own bed. They would find me drowning in my own pool of blood. That would leave everyone in a state of shock and they can't get rid of the image for the rest of their life. I hope they would feel guilty forever. But then that’s just stupid. If I do it to myself, then its my fault. Not anyone else. I want to di...

I wont save you even if you beg on your knees. Unless you said that I am the king and I was always been right the whole time and you are just an ignorant fool who thought you were the queen of the universe. Ooh lookie, lookie, she stole everything I said and make it hers. Ooh, lookie, lookie, she thinks she’s scary. Well, YOU’re NOT! You have been a bimbo for the last half of your life, trying to be famous. Oh yes, you are famous, darling. You’re famous for your stupidity and narrow minded vision. Your kingdom is falling down, falling down, falling down..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Poor you, darling..you might have been living in a world full of mirror. Everywhere you see is you, you, you. You talk about yourself, your visions, your wants, your needs, your opinions, and now the mirror has crashed. Did it hurt you? Did it make you bleed? GOOD! HAHAHAHAHAHA... I think I saw one down your throat. Why would you swallowed it? It hurts doesn’t it? It burns your lung when it make little holes and ...

Started off with the politician news in Indonesia. Lies and hatred everywhere. Negativity in common people heads. Screaming in the streets as though they thought they know. My blood boils. Silently. But it didn't stop. EVERY FUCKING DAY the news talks about it. They talks like they know what happened. They talk like prophet who tell his people what to do and what to think. And this people, these Indonesian people, they are so stupid they believe in every single fucking thing the media said! They put ribbons and black clothes! Who the fuck do they think they are!? some kind of angel of death!? You think you make any different by wearing MY COLOUR! YOU FUCKING FOOL! I want to rip their throat so there will be no more blacks in the street! Let it wet with reds. Their reds. Their blood!!