Noel's Nitemare

Mithya have to stop believing in others. She can only count on me. I repeatedly proved her that I’m reliable. I never dissapoint her. I’m always there when she was down. Not even that girlfriend of hers. She uses her. She doesnt know how painful it is for mithya to wait for her on the phone. Slowly abandoning her. She knows she has trust issues and she just keeps on pushing her to wait for her. Well it’s enough. I wont let her hurt Mithya anymore! Thank God I give Mithya the solution. To do things. To take her mind off of her. So she wouldn’t feel lonely all the time. We’re strong together. I’m the one to take over the body now most of the time. Give a lil cheery voice. Like everything’s Ok. They wouldn’t know I’m in charge. I’m even smiling now. A genuine smile for a long time for us. Do you know how precious it is? I have all these good ideas for us to take in the future. And it’ll start with a razor. A real one. No more playing around. No more amateur games coz it’s embarassing for ...

Whew, I think I struck a nerve! Hahahaha...oh, I'm a bad, bad boy. I'd do it all for her, my whiny weak half side. No one of you cared for her you sick fucks!! Sent with mobile device Powered by Mithyanoel®

I don't want to be better. She thinks I'm her weak part, but she is wrong. I'm her strongest part. I was born to save her from herself. If I'm gone, then she'll soon be gone from this world too. I don't think we can be saved. These cycles of family problems will never be stopped. The evil in the world would never be stopped. So why don't we just join them? I was born to live in a world full of hatred. I'm gonna be her "life jacket" so she wouldn't drowned. When I decided to talk to my lecturer, I knew she couldn't help either. She told me that too. She specialized in helpin little children and teenage. All she can do is offer to talk to my mother so that we can all go to a therapist. HAhahahahahaha....I would love to laugh at her face, but she's been nice..most of the time. That bitch didn't believe I could be the best in my class. She didn't even believe I could finished my bachelor thesis. Well I proved her wrong and she s...

I wish everything is as easy as you seen in a movie. A scene with no audio or maybe a painful soudtrack. A son one day comes to his mother's room and drop a note to her hand. It titled "how to deal with a borderline son" or "I'm gay, please love me". And then the mom would start crying but eventually when she comes to her sense, she would run to her son and gives him a warm hug. HAHAHAHAHAHA...yea, life's not that beautiful people. Too much proud and shame or too much judgment that people would forget about the true meaning of their relationship. What's important about relationship. How to care and understand. I've tried you know, telling my mother about my symptoms. She even caught my wound twice. She just cried and didn't do anything about it. She just keep saying that I should pray more to God. Well, mother, there are things that just cannot be fixed by praying. She blamed herself and then she would feel sorry for herself as a bad mother. ...

Is this another sign? Come on...another failure..I'm an amateur again. The swiss army knife suddenly show up on the floor beside my bed. I didn't see it yesterday. It took me some time to talk to the girl. To convinced her that it's time. Well, more like she's the one who tried to convinced me that it wouldn't do us any good. But I keep saying to her that I would be a coward if I dont do it. I promised myself. There's no other way. Everything is already too fucked up. I have no other way. A long pause. Toying around with the knife's reflection..and then I slashed it over and over. but fuck! fuck! fuck! the so-called-knife isn't sharp enough either! Look what it did to my hand! fucking ugly. I hate it. It doesn't make me feel better. Not like it used too. It's that girlfriend of her's fault. She made her think there are other way. That crying and telling stories would make things better. WELL ITS NOT. I hate crying. It makes me weak. Time f...

Got another top notch score. A perfect score. I don't understand. I've tried to be lame. I've tried to be ignorant. But why do I still get good GPA's? It doesn't feel special anymore. I'm grateful but I don't feel anything. It's boring

Remembering what I did today made me smirk, no, giggle. About noon I'm getting irritated. I need to cut my skin. Coz I feel sinking lower and lower and my face felt numb. I kept looking for that stupid swiss army knife in my room but I still couldn't find it. In desperation I found my mom's manicure's tool and there's this one tool that look like it's sharp enough to make me bleed. I dont know what it's name or even what it's do. So I tried to slash it to my skin.. one... nothing.. two... there's two red line three.. three red line start to buldge But there's no blood. Turns out that stupid tool is not sharp enough to cut my skin. hahahahahaha....that's just stupid! it's been two years since the last time I cut myself, and my first attempt since is failed! that's just funny. I need rehearse I guess. But with a better tool. Yes, I'm determine to find my swiss army knife. Wish me luck! hahahahaha.......

That scar is to remind me how stupid my act were This scar is to remind me I'm still in the same shit hole

Nobody understand what state I'm in now. I hit rock bottom. I couldnt think. I dont have any motivation. I'm not even hungry. I would choose not to eat, but my healthy brain said that ulcer is a bitch. Though I tried to hurt myself yesterday by eating chilli at my breakfast and lunch. Coz I cant find any razor I could use to cut myself. I'm frustrated. Now that I need the knife, it's gone. It's fucking gone. I'm goin crazy alone. I'm feeling alone. No one know how hurt it is. Sometimes I wish that I can replace this pain to someone else just for a day. So he/she knows. So people would stop underestimate how I feel. I feel useless. I'm so tired of being positive. It doesnt change anything. I'm still hearing the same problem and screaming and banging. Nothing will change. I should stop trying. This is my line here. I have overstepped it. I WILL CUT MYSELF. no more bargaining or logic thinking. it's useless. it's fucking useless.

DO I have to cut myself again to show how much it hurts? to show how much I'm fucked up? I'm not OK! I never fucking OK! For God sake look at me and tell me am I OK!? Why are they trying to look away?

I think I missed my old life. Where I can do anything I want and destroy everything in my path. I want to be borderline and stop compulsing. Is that even a word? I want to feel hurt by people that doesnt really hurt me. I want not to care. I want to manipulate people’s feeling again. I want to be Noel. Everything is in order right now. Not that I like all the twisted ending. Its just girls that keeps challenging me were something I ate for breakfast. Maybe I spent too many nights with them. Those images just cant stop haunting me. Everywhere I go, I’ve been there. I want you to love me, I want you to leave me.