Noel's Nitemare

Don't you dare blame me for something I have no control of. Don't you dare blame me for something I have no control of. Don't you dare blame me for something I have no control of!!!

If I have to diagnose myself, I’d say I have borderline and obsessive compulsive personality. I wont say disorder coz I can’t possibly know the range of my symptom normality. For people who learn psychology, they probably wonder how could be an impulsive personality is the co-morbid of a compulsive personality? The answer is I’m always in THIS side of the bar or THAT side of the bar. I constantly thinking about everything. I’m always trying to be aware of what I’m thinking. I arrange my schedule to be as meticulous as possible. 90% of my life are full of tensions. Then the rest of 10% i’d jump out of my seat doing anything impulsive. I never have a balance life. All I can do is forcing my emotion and my act to stay at the center of the bar. I have a full written agenda that I update everyday (plus microsoft outlook). I’d become worry all the time if I can’t do the tasks. Not necessarily I want to do it. I could lay my back in a (supposedly) hectic day and worrying all day long. I’d a...

I always wants to know how it feels to hit a mirror. Just like in the movie. Is it that easy? Will my knuckles really bleed?

My right hand hurts. Yep, my fault. Used it too much to hit stuff. And now I have to use balm all over it cause like it or not I have to keep doing my college assignments. I don't like unpredictable pain. I miss cutting my skin. Now what should I do (next)? what should I do (next)? what should I do (next)?

I think the pope jerks off sometimes. Or was. rarely? It's human nature.

My little brother didn't came home last night. Like always, my stupid mother would start to cry and panic. Ah, stupid bitch. Why would you worry for someone who doesn't give a fuck about you!? He's not a five years old! He's a fucking teen! If he wanted to, he could call you and tell you where he is. But he chose not to right? My favorite part is when she started to scream at me and justified it because she is panic. Bitch! You are a failure! I told you hundeds of time that you spoiled the brat too many times and look what he gave you back! I envy my brother. He can do what ever he wants and always gets away from consequences. I hope one day God slap him and something bad happen to him. Perhaps a little head injurie and straightened his mind a little? Me? Oh, I'm a little Mr. Perfect (!) I can do no wrong! I'm super smart bastard who got no feelings, only brain! I'm so nice (!) I have LOTS of friends (!) Just a tiny litlle itsy bitsy mistake for me would mea...

I have a dream, a hope, a WISH. I want to bashed a human head with my bare hand until know one could recognize the person’s face anymore. I want to know how it feels when my knuckle hit the skull and crack. I want to feel the blood oozing and dripping through my arms. The problem is, again, I know it’s wrong. Morally idiotic, the religions banned it and I might go to jail for killing a person. Is there a dummy for this?

I’m easily irritated under a stressful condition. My family know this very much, but other people dont. Usually I dont take things personally when somebody is doing things that could annoy me. Some of my friends even call me the most patient person they know. It would be a different story when I’m on ‘irritate easily’ mode and I never showed this side on anyone besides my family and Lushka. Do me wrong and I’d go hostile. Lately I learn to control this impulse too. I prefer to shut myself down for a while. Let the unreasonable anger to sink out. Usually I’d turn my cell off, write what I feel, and continue doing whatever I was doing at the time. These unreasonable anger is not a comfy feeling at all. My chest would feel like it’s burning and I can’t breathe normally. My head would start to hurt if fight the anger. That’s why making myself flat would do the trick. I’d like to call it “stat” like the way the doctors call a flatline. The hardest part is even though I finally can control t...

i CAN take CARE of myself

NO one OWNs me

I dont have time to take care of other people's shit, socializing, doing chit chat, thinking of other people's feelings, thinking of other people needs, listen to my mom screaming and yelling, debating with my brother, pampering my father, being nice, angry at idiots in the world WHEN I HAVE TO STUDY AND MAKING PAPERS!!!

I hate people who cut themselves to get attention from other people. Especially people who threat to kill themselves but never did it. I cut myself to let myself know that I'm strong. I don't have to whine and cry all the time like my mom. I'm capable to control my emotions and my lives. I cut myself so I don't have to do it to other people.

I used to hit my little brother. He's nine years younger than me. There was a time when I couldn't control my anger and I just hit him anytime he got annoying. He's no cute little angel either. We used to screamed at each other if we got in a fight. Our scream could be heard as far as 3 houses from ours. Mainly because I was trying to remind him about the house rules and he just want to fight everyone back. Everything I said, he would throw it back at me, cerebral or not. Yes, he's as fucked up as I am. The different is he's trying too hard to be a rebel. Everytime I hit him, he never hit me back. I think he knew that he is stronger than me and hitting me back is not a good choice. Or maybe he's afraid of me. Who knows? The fucked up thing is, everytime I did it, I'd regreted it like hell. I used to feel ashame of myself too. I should've been the bigger brother. The adult. But there was this one afternoon after he got back from school, we were caught up ...

Movie title: Hostel (2005) Watched it from a bad quality DVD. Peeking trough my finger most of the time. Can't remember much about the story. Looky, looky, her eyes are dangling from the socket. But how could I forget a scene when it's about cutting the main nerve of someone's eye? For me it beats the other torture in the movie. If you dare to watch it..see how the slime really look like ketchup and mustard, haha!

Movie title: Deep Rising (1998) Wow..11 years since I watched this movie with my cousin and I still can't forget this scene. First you have to see people in panic. Pushing and stepping at each other. And then the toilet scene...there's just something very wrong about being pulled inside a toilet, hahaha.. Deep rising is one of my favorite monster movie. I dont care how lame this movie is, cause it's one of my first love for horror movie.

I don't understand why can't I hurt myself? I'm still doing it in a safe level. I only cut myself on my left hand and it's not even that deep. Just enough to see it bleed. I even stop doing it once my left hand is too full and I can't add any cut no more. Hitting something hard might make me feel good too. But too dangerous. If I broke my hand, what'll I do? Go to the hospital? DUH! And I'm sure it'll hurt like hell. Hahaha..I'm not looking for THAT kind of hurt. Just seepish, tiny, little pain..searing..woah! After I'm done, I always use the alcohol. Hahaha..I dont want to get any disease. You see..I don't hurt anyone by cutting myself. I don't even hurt ME. Instead I make myself feel better. I don't have to feel any pain again inside my chest. It'll be gone. I wish people understand that. I'm not kidding when I say it hurt much more inside my chest.

Everytime I see a frozen meat in the supermarket, I can't help but thinking about a perfect murder weapon. A frozen meat would be the best weapon you can use to kill someone. It's hard as a rock. You can use it to bludgened someone to death (messy but it'll feel good). Buy the biggest part of a cow. Once you're done, wait for the meat to unfreeze, cook it, eat it, voila! No trace of any murder weapon unless some shit you'll waste in the toilet. If you want to kill someone, best he/she is someone you never knew. No one can link you to them. Serial Killer cases that are never been solved are people who killed strangers. Just stalk your target and remember their schedules. Trust me, every human have routines everyday. Get them on those routine schedule. Preferably, people who lives alone. Weaker than you. If it makes you feel any better, choose someone you think beneath you. Who lives their life morally wrong. I wouldn't give a fuck about moral. Hell I kill them, I...

I'm starting to think about hurting my hand again. But I'm too afraid that the next scar would leave another permanent mark like what I had now on my wrist. Lushka's would leave me too if I'd ever do it again. Sometimes I don't believe her, but sometimes I know that she has this pride of her that wouldn't let compassion get in the way. I feel ashame of course, each time one of my friends sees my scar. I know they would wonder what happened. Maybe they think I'd have been trying to kill myself, hahahaha..that is so stupid and so annoying. This scar makes me look stupid. This scar makes me look suicidal. I don't. I just like to cut myself you moron! I believe this is God's punishment. I've been cutting myself since elementary school and the permanent mark just suddenly decided to showed up last year?? oH, come on..God's definitley playing with me. I wan't to cut myself SO BAD each time I feel hurt inside. I guess, I need to settle with hitt...

I hit the wall yesterday. I injured my hand of course. Cost me a bruise and a little skin.It hurts only for a couple of second then came the calm. I wanted to do it again, but my head said that I need my hand to write and type urgently this weekend. Not to mention I already sprained my right hand wrist last week. SO I dont think my hand could endure another injury. I want to do it again.

I hate my mom. I wish I could stay away from her as much and as long as I want to. So I dont have to face her anger every fucking day of my pathetic lives. But I still can't live on my own. That's suck! I promise myself I'd get out of this house as soon as I can. Stupid bitch.