permanent mark

I'm starting to think about hurting my hand again. But I'm too afraid that the next scar would leave another permanent mark like what I had now on my wrist.

Lushka's would leave me too if I'd ever do it again. Sometimes I don't believe her, but sometimes I know that she has this pride of her that wouldn't let compassion get in the way.

I feel ashame of course, each time one of my friends sees my scar. I know they would wonder what happened. Maybe they think I'd have been trying to kill myself, hahahaha..that is so stupid and so annoying. This scar makes me look stupid. This scar makes me look suicidal. I don't. I just like to cut myself you moron!

I believe this is God's punishment. I've been cutting myself since elementary school and the permanent mark just suddenly decided to showed up last year?? oH, come on..God's definitley playing with me.

I wan't to cut myself SO BAD each time I feel hurt inside.

I guess, I need to settle with hitting the walls. for now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

cold

I dont think the cold inside would ever go away. I believed it once and now it turns out I never really abandoned it. Like a little ice cube inside my chest. It never melts away. Fire over fire burned it. It just never melt. Not even a crack. I can try to hide inside the warmth of the girl that I love or the person I put in public but it’ll all be a lie. It was all lie. I’m trying too hard to play all warm inside. You dont have an ice cube inside your chest and just decided one day to melt it away. It never work that way. No hopes will help me. I have to live with it. Being cold.
Read more

03.10.19

Still struggling. To live. The past month has been hell and I feel like I'm alone. I don't want her to come back because feeling pain that bad is the last thing we need. Not a single tear dropped since she's gone and that is a great achievement. Because the Paranoia is not going away. I can sense the dread just an inch away from my vein. It's there. Waiting for me to lose control and make me FEEL. But I won't let it. And the people that I'm looking for help to, are not capable of caring nor I have any trust left. These people don't wanna know how much pain or trouble they had made in our life. No one would care for a monster, I know that. But this monster was tame and sleeping most of the time. They shouldn't've woken me up. I was just annoyed not being in full control, but it was manageable. And now I feel empty and confused. I can't deal with live alone without her but right now she is a pandora that I don't want to open. I want to die
Read more

I hate my mom

I hate my mom. I wish I could stay away from her as much and as long as I want to. So I dont have to face her anger every fucking day of my pathetic lives. But I still can't live on my own. That's suck! I promise myself I'd get out of this house as soon as I can. Stupid bitch.
Read more