permanent mark

I'm starting to think about hurting my hand again. But I'm too afraid that the next scar would leave another permanent mark like what I had now on my wrist.

Lushka's would leave me too if I'd ever do it again. Sometimes I don't believe her, but sometimes I know that she has this pride of her that wouldn't let compassion get in the way.

I feel ashame of course, each time one of my friends sees my scar. I know they would wonder what happened. Maybe they think I'd have been trying to kill myself, hahahaha..that is so stupid and so annoying. This scar makes me look stupid. This scar makes me look suicidal. I don't. I just like to cut myself you moron!

I believe this is God's punishment. I've been cutting myself since elementary school and the permanent mark just suddenly decided to showed up last year?? oH, come on..God's definitley playing with me.

I wan't to cut myself SO BAD each time I feel hurt inside.

I guess, I need to settle with hitting the walls. for now.

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