Center of the bar
If I have to diagnose myself, I’d say I have borderline and obsessive compulsive personality. I wont say disorder coz I can’t possibly know the range of my symptom normality. For people who learn psychology, they probably wonder how could be an impulsive personality is the co-morbid of a compulsive personality? The answer is I’m always in THIS side of the bar or THAT side of the bar. I constantly thinking about everything. I’m always trying to be aware of what I’m thinking. I arrange my schedule to be as meticulous as possible. 90% of my life are full of tensions. Then the rest of 10% i’d jump out of my seat doing anything impulsive. I never have a balance life. All I can do is forcing my emotion and my act to stay at the center of the bar.
I have a full written agenda that I update everyday (plus microsoft outlook). I’d become worry all the time if I can’t do the tasks. Not necessarily I want to do it. I could lay my back in a (supposedly) hectic day and worrying all day long. I’d arrange my day with time table the day before and decide to take a bus to the opposite directions the next day, canceling everything I have planned. Of course I’d blame my self for being impulsive.
I cut myself in an impulsive decision but making a lot of rational rules about. I can only cut my left hand coz that way I can hide it from people. I’m not a lefty. Same reason I use for cutting only the inside side of my arm. I will clean the blade with alcohol before I use it so I wont get any disease. I will clean the cut too after I finished. But most of times it’s because I like the pinching pain when I pressed the alcohol.
I believe I’m not a monogamous person. I’d take any chances of affection if it’s already in front of my nose. I dont have self control.
I’d count 1, 2, 3, 4 in my head with no reason. I still haven’t find the reason and that’s why I’m keeping a journal about it. Best guess would be no other thing than my obsessive thoughts.
Imagine a weight lifter who had injuries in both of his hand and he have to lift this unbelievable weight all of his life. He can’t drop the weight coz everyone is depending on him. Everyone around him actually believe that he’s the ultimate weight lifter. Or at least it’s what the weight lifter believe.
I will always fight my tendency to do impulsive things. I will always fight the orderly of my life. I never rest. I always have big tension every second of my life. Even now when I write this, I can’t stop thinking about my college assignments. I’m so tired.
I wonder if valium would suit me good?
I have a full written agenda that I update everyday (plus microsoft outlook). I’d become worry all the time if I can’t do the tasks. Not necessarily I want to do it. I could lay my back in a (supposedly) hectic day and worrying all day long. I’d arrange my day with time table the day before and decide to take a bus to the opposite directions the next day, canceling everything I have planned. Of course I’d blame my self for being impulsive.
I cut myself in an impulsive decision but making a lot of rational rules about. I can only cut my left hand coz that way I can hide it from people. I’m not a lefty. Same reason I use for cutting only the inside side of my arm. I will clean the blade with alcohol before I use it so I wont get any disease. I will clean the cut too after I finished. But most of times it’s because I like the pinching pain when I pressed the alcohol.
I believe I’m not a monogamous person. I’d take any chances of affection if it’s already in front of my nose. I dont have self control.
I’d count 1, 2, 3, 4 in my head with no reason. I still haven’t find the reason and that’s why I’m keeping a journal about it. Best guess would be no other thing than my obsessive thoughts.
Imagine a weight lifter who had injuries in both of his hand and he have to lift this unbelievable weight all of his life. He can’t drop the weight coz everyone is depending on him. Everyone around him actually believe that he’s the ultimate weight lifter. Or at least it’s what the weight lifter believe.
I will always fight my tendency to do impulsive things. I will always fight the orderly of my life. I never rest. I always have big tension every second of my life. Even now when I write this, I can’t stop thinking about my college assignments. I’m so tired.
I wonder if valium would suit me good?
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