Noel's Nitemare

Sometimes I feel afraid and insecure. It just happens. And then I need to hide inside my blanket. I need someone to take care of me. Someone who understand. Sometimes I just need a silent company. Coz at that moment, any words would feel like an attack. Accused. Insulting. I feel like a failure. And then it just spiral down to the worst kind of situation. I drag everything down. No one to blame but me. If anything bad happens, it will be because of me and my incompetent self. I dont talk anymore because everything is useless. No one can help. No one care. Everyone have needs to be fulfilled. Everyone take care of themselves. I'm not capable to feel anymore. And yet, they blame me again for what I cant control of. FUCK. I DONT FAKE THIS. I DONT ACT TO BE LIKE THIS. YOU THINK THIS WHOLE THING IS FUN PLAY? YOU THINK NUMB IS SO COOL HUH? YOU CARE? IF YOU CARE, YOU WOULDNT ASK ME OF ANYTHING. You would just leave me alone to die.

I told you not to blame me for something I have no control of. So why the fuck are you blaming me now?

Because the pain makes me forget. Because crying is weakness showned. So I have to feel numb. But numb could turn into empty so fast, its suffocating. So I have to feel. But I can't feel sad, coz then I'll cry. Then it'll be a stupid horrendous cycle. So I choose to feel pain. Pain stopped me from feeling sad. Pain stopped me from feeling anything inside. Because pain makes me forget. Writtened 24th of May 2010 Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I'm cutting off my meds. I want to know if I'm still in pain and whether it'll bring that warmth in my chest again. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

OK, God makes a cruel joke on me again. It's a fact I've been emotionless for a month. Then when I can't stand it anymore, when I decided to just surrender under the merciless pain of a rusty razor, He gave me my back pain back. Ha! Funny, God! So one beautiful evening, I was gonna have an agenda with Jude. I made a wrong position to sit up from his bed and the rest are the most annoying and embarassing situation I have face in my entire life. God! I can't stand straight in front of my best bud. Well of course he was confused of what to do, coz even though he knew about my back condition, he never really have to see me while it hurts. I tried my best to hold the pain while watching the DVD and kept chatting casually with him. But I made a mental note that I HAVE to go home after the movie ended. He was dissapointed coz I didn't know that he was hoping I could spend another night hangin' out. When I finally got home the pain were getting worst. Though it...

As I was looking at a snapshot I took of you the other day, I cant ignore the empty stare you had. You looked so wounded and hollow. I know that look every time I look at myself in the mirror. We both are broken beyond repair. I want to tell you that I know what you're going through, but I dont have any power left to reach out to anyone, let alone you. I know that face. You were trying to closed any voice that happening around you. Made your mental deaf. I dont know how big the damage will be on you. I get through out of it alive though right now all I want to do is dissapear from the face of earth. I cant stop blaming myself if you turns out broken. I'm your brother. I should be the one who protect you. I should've been the one who lead you the way through this hell. I know each time you blast your stereo, you dont want to hear anything outside your door. I know each time you scream, you want to tell them how hurt you feel. If you fail, I fail.

It forms a beautiful line up of red grass

No more bullshit, I thought. The need had been lingering on my head for weeks now. I need to feel something. I walked out of bed and went to the other room. I know where to look. All stationery are placed inside a plastic drawer under the PC. It only took about a minute to find what I'm looking for. It's green and quite big. But covered with rust. Badly. It did made me think twice, coz you know, with all the idea of any germs to mixed with my blood will be a stupid thing to happened. I would know better. But hell. It's already in my hand. I dont need any excuse and the last two failed performance was not good for my ego. Hahaha.. I dont have any alcohol at the moment. Sure there's that nail paint remover and a little bottle of rum. But I'm not really sure if they would do the job to clean the cutter. So I burned it with my lighter. I checked the tip and burned my finger. I sat on my bed and start with two deep slash. Out of my expectation, it bleeds. And I was...

Got drunk, check Thinking to just surrender to lust, check Imagine a good deep slash, check Numb, check Cursing, check 5-0 for Noel! Hello, freedom!

I find out why I regressed. I'm getting tired of telling the same story over and over. I'm ashamed of telling the same story over and over. Especially if there's only one person who listens to it. I don't want her to get bored and hate me in return. I just don't have the will power to feel angry anymore. Coz then I'll turn into mithya's pathetic mom.

Megatron : "How's your thesis? Any development?" Me : *shrugging, looking at my yoghurt* nope Megatron : *laughing* "Oh no, here's another one who's gonna waste an amount of money" Me : *trying to smirk but failed* Queen of Alien : *massaging my back* "You dont need to worry. It's what she do. She would say that she couldnt do it, but then she finished it with flying colours. Right?" Me : *shrugging* Then the conversation was dropped just like that. They resumed talking to Malin Kundang and ALL his problem..

I dont like to be touched. It's suffocating. I want any interaction to any human being kept in a minimum. The other day when I was having a lunch with Mithya's mother, I keep on wanting to run away from the table and lock myself in my room. I'm feeling anxious around people. I'd rather sit alone, feeling miserable while listening to suicidal music themes. Why am I having a regression? It's draining me.

When people say I'm nice and good, its sounds like an insult. Then quickly turns into a challenge to show how wrong they think of me.

DONT ASK I dont want to lie

Sometimes I feel frustated being different. I know everyone is unique in their own way, but sometimes I feel so distant from being a human. Sometimes I want to peel myself and finding out what is it really that lay inside me. Sometimes I feel angry because I cant express what really going on in my head, my desire, my twisted evil plan. My feeling. Because sometime I dont feel anything and I'm pushed to feel wrong because human sees it as being mentally ill. Why do I have to be different?

I took it as an offense. The word. It didnt affect much, but still offended. I never asked to be born inside of this girl. I'd rather fuck girl in a boy form. I can't even expressed myself freely. If I do, people calling me labels. Suddenly I'm either gay or lesbian. Fuck. Then they would think I'm a tranny. I'm not EITHER of those stupid label. I'm just stuck here. Living inside a girl. No, I'm not delusional or having a multiple personality. I'm a homonculus. At least that's the easiest word to explain WHAT I am. Go search that word. I'm not gonna bother explaining. When I'm in charge, it feels like the world is colder. My breath seems shorther than normally is and everything is just annoying. Except for beautiful girl. Then My heart would beat faster and reminding me that it still there. I'm not even amused with their voice. Sometimes I have to grit my teeth just to hold my anger and not stuffed their mouth. I wish people just sh...

Shit. Back to manipulative and bored all the time. Need friction on my pants. I dont do love.

So soft and fragile. Slippery. Sweat. Straddling. Sore. Mindblowing. Mischief. Moment. Bruised. Back in the game and I dont even have to wait for another round. Jackpot. ~still my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of them touching you~

How much longer do you think I should hold on?

It would be nice to touch girls perfect abs, soft skin, and well..that’s the best part of a girl. Their hips and abs. They have curves that boys dont have. Smaller girl could drive me crazy coz they LOOK so fragile and I just wanna hold them. I had some girls with this perfect abs and hips and oh.my.god. I really love touching it even when we were just laying around after sex. Tracing my lips down....they always went nutz after that. It always felt good everytime I dig in on her (their) shoulder and I could feel a collarbone. Or any bone. Any bone is fine hahaha... That’s why sometimes I’m kinda crazy in trying to have a good shape. It’s a simple math. Especially if I could looked “feminine” enough. It’s like some kind of mask that I could wear to “war”. I’m not really into uber-lesbo girl. Too boring. No challenges at all. They are so desperate in having a girlfriend, they would practically throw themselve at me with a little hint of flirtation. DOH. With my mask, straig...

Remembered when you hesitate to kiss me after I go down on you. But curiousity always win *smirk*

Missing those time when I could passed out senseless on some friend's couch. Sharing beds with strangers. Wouldn't care if someone is feeling me up coz I'm unconscious. Then I could just brush my shoulder off pretending I knew something happened the night before.

I was that person who held back his choked tears in someone else's bed. Holding someone he love to hate. Hoping that all he ever did was because of love and not just because he want to feel wanted. I'm too fucked up to know the difference now.