The day after..

It forms a beautiful line up of red grass

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cold

I dont think the cold inside would ever go away. I believed it once and now it turns out I never really abandoned it. Like a little ice cube inside my chest. It never melts away. Fire over fire burned it. It just never melt. Not even a crack. I can try to hide inside the warmth of the girl that I love or the person I put in public but it’ll all be a lie. It was all lie. I’m trying too hard to play all warm inside. You dont have an ice cube inside your chest and just decided one day to melt it away. It never work that way. No hopes will help me. I have to live with it. Being cold.
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03.10.19

Still struggling. To live. The past month has been hell and I feel like I'm alone. I don't want her to come back because feeling pain that bad is the last thing we need. Not a single tear dropped since she's gone and that is a great achievement. Because the Paranoia is not going away. I can sense the dread just an inch away from my vein. It's there. Waiting for me to lose control and make me FEEL. But I won't let it. And the people that I'm looking for help to, are not capable of caring nor I have any trust left. These people don't wanna know how much pain or trouble they had made in our life. No one would care for a monster, I know that. But this monster was tame and sleeping most of the time. They shouldn't've woken me up. I was just annoyed not being in full control, but it was manageable. And now I feel empty and confused. I can't deal with live alone without her but right now she is a pandora that I don't want to open. I want to die
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why can't I hurt myself?

I don't understand why can't I hurt myself? I'm still doing it in a safe level. I only cut myself on my left hand and it's not even that deep. Just enough to see it bleed. I even stop doing it once my left hand is too full and I can't add any cut no more. Hitting something hard might make me feel good too. But too dangerous. If I broke my hand, what'll I do? Go to the hospital? DUH! And I'm sure it'll hurt like hell. Hahaha..I'm not looking for THAT kind of hurt. Just seepish, tiny, little pain..searing..woah! After I'm done, I always use the alcohol. Hahaha..I dont want to get any disease. You see..I don't hurt anyone by cutting myself. I don't even hurt ME. Instead I make myself feel better. I don't have to feel any pain again inside my chest. It'll be gone. I wish people understand that. I'm not kidding when I say it hurt much more inside my chest.
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