Third time the charm
No more bullshit, I thought. The need had been lingering on my head for weeks now. I need to feel something. I walked out of bed and went to the other room. I know where to look. All stationery are placed inside a plastic drawer under the PC. It only took about a minute to find what I'm looking for.
It's green and quite big. But covered with rust. Badly. It did made me think twice, coz you know, with all the idea of any germs to mixed with my blood will be a stupid thing to happened. I would know better. But hell. It's already in my hand. I dont need any excuse and the last two failed performance was not good for my ego. Hahaha..
I dont have any alcohol at the moment. Sure there's that nail paint remover and a little bottle of rum. But I'm not really sure if they would do the job to clean the cutter. So I burned it with my lighter. I checked the tip and burned my finger.
I sat on my bed and start with two deep slash. Out of my expectation, it bleeds. And I was smiling. First, coz I cant help myself thinking "it works!" and second, my blood color is one of the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Third, well, I was smiling because I smile. Then I just do it over and over and over until there's uncountable red blood lines pouring from the wound. I cant stop smiling. The one that didnt bleed made red blurr on my skin. I keep doing it until I cant find anymore place to slash. I remembered thinking to draw an imaginary line on my hand so it can still be covered with clothes once I'm done. And of course, I wouldnt want what happened 3 years a go happened again. The one that left a pretty obvious scar on my wrist.
I put the cutter down and put on my Ipod. I was listening to Boyce Avenue before and it sooths me. Slowly I can feel the pain emerging on my hand. Finally, God...I can feel again. I cant wipe the stupid smile from myself. While I was closing my eyes, trying to savour every little pain that I feel, I tried not to left any blood on my bedcover.
The blood, the pain, the smile. Perfect.
It's green and quite big. But covered with rust. Badly. It did made me think twice, coz you know, with all the idea of any germs to mixed with my blood will be a stupid thing to happened. I would know better. But hell. It's already in my hand. I dont need any excuse and the last two failed performance was not good for my ego. Hahaha..
I dont have any alcohol at the moment. Sure there's that nail paint remover and a little bottle of rum. But I'm not really sure if they would do the job to clean the cutter. So I burned it with my lighter. I checked the tip and burned my finger.
I sat on my bed and start with two deep slash. Out of my expectation, it bleeds. And I was smiling. First, coz I cant help myself thinking "it works!" and second, my blood color is one of the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Third, well, I was smiling because I smile. Then I just do it over and over and over until there's uncountable red blood lines pouring from the wound. I cant stop smiling. The one that didnt bleed made red blurr on my skin. I keep doing it until I cant find anymore place to slash. I remembered thinking to draw an imaginary line on my hand so it can still be covered with clothes once I'm done. And of course, I wouldnt want what happened 3 years a go happened again. The one that left a pretty obvious scar on my wrist.
I put the cutter down and put on my Ipod. I was listening to Boyce Avenue before and it sooths me. Slowly I can feel the pain emerging on my hand. Finally, God...I can feel again. I cant wipe the stupid smile from myself. While I was closing my eyes, trying to savour every little pain that I feel, I tried not to left any blood on my bedcover.
The blood, the pain, the smile. Perfect.
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