Noel's Nitemare

Here's how I see my family. We are so disfungsional we shouldn't even called ourselves family. We only got back home because we don't have any place to go and it would be lonely if we dont. We don't talk to each other most of the time. Coz we like to argue. The talking part were just a dialogue made of phony script from a television show about disfungsional family. My mom is an angry woman but too afraid to be alone. She would yell at you all of the time but then she would run to you again because she is THAT afraid to be alone. She thought of her as a superwoman, a compensation of how weak she actually are. She help you but in return you oughta help her too, coz if not, she'll tell you over and over again how she had worked hard to help you. I don't even know where to start with my bro. He's stupid and childish. I know he's still a teenager. A really angry teenager that is. I know sometimes I'm the one who needs to be an adult, but its too muc...

My hands are sweating. I keep holding the little knife in my left hand. Playing it around. Feels like I have to do it just to make a point. Maybe a score. It’s been a long time. What different will it make this time? A statement? I like the feeling of cold iron touching my skin. I’m about to cry. Should I stop it?

Is it easier to run? But why is it easier for people to just forget it and easier for me to hurt myself? What makes people choose? Run, Noel. Cause they say it will lead you to a finish line somewhere.

Today I brushed my teeth so hard, it bleeds. Leaving a numb feeling and a pint of stinging sensation. But it feels good cause I feel clean.

When people ask me about how I do or when I’m in a situation where I should tell my close friends about my family, my jaw gets hard. And then I cant think straight. I want to tell how miserable my house is, but its just too much and it goes waaaaaaaay back. And then I need to edit what information I should let loose right at that moment. A professional would spotted that trouble right away. And my friends are all a soon-to-be psychologits. Haha, how ironic is that. It’s getting worst by the way. The yelling between my mom and my brother happens every damn day. Sometimes it scared the shit out of me. I just want to run and hide. I’d turn up the TV or my audio speaker. But then I can hear they start throwing things or banging the door. You can’t ignore those kind of sounds. It crawls through the wall. Then all kind of feelings would rained on me.. Angry, sad, confused, guilty....I don’t understand why it has such a big effect on me. I get so weak and cold. It’s like their yelling AT me. ...

I'm planning to hurt myself, but I can't do it now. I was almost took a knife from the kitchen when I suddenly remembers that in a couple of week its goin to be my girlfriend's birthday. I can't show up with scars. It'll hurt her. I'll be ruining her day. Which if I'm not mistaken, she hates it already because of all the dramas that's always happens on her birthday. When? Soon. It's not gonna be a necessary act anymore. It will be a show off. So the bitch will remember what lenght a person could do to show much how much they're hurt. I used to punished myself. I'm punishing the bitch now. Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT

I'm a sick sick boy in a sick sick world It's not a sick sick thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I do do will hate you much Hate you much I can see the first leaf falling It's all yellow and nice It's so very cold outside Like the way I'm feeling inside I'm a sick sick boy in a sick sick world It's not a sick sick thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I do do will hate you much Hate you much Outside it's now raining And bloods are pouring from my veins Why did it have to happen Why did it all have to end? I'm a sick sick boy in a sick sick world It's not a sick sick thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I do do will hate you much Hate you much I have your arms around me Warm like fire, ha But when I open my eyes, you're gone It's originally Emilia's "Big World" song. Cant help singing it this way in my head.

I’m having suicidal thoughts again. That’s the common human terms. Coz mine is not like what other people usually have. I just want to dissapear into thin air. Without pain and without me having to do anything with it. An alien ship attack perhaps? and shoot me with rays of light and I just evaporate into nothingness. Of course the casual way of suicide occurs. Like hanging myself. But I dont have anything in my room that could be used as a place to hang me. Or pills and potions? I believe it’ll lead me to an incredible stomach ache before I die. I hate stomach ache. Sometimes cutting my veins looks like a great idea. Coz that’s my speciality. So I could leave a big mess in my own bed. They would find me drowning in my own pool of blood. That would leave everyone in a state of shock and they can't get rid of the image for the rest of their life. I hope they would feel guilty forever. But then that’s just stupid. If I do it to myself, then its my fault. Not anyone else. I want to di...

I wont save you even if you beg on your knees. Unless you said that I am the king and I was always been right the whole time and you are just an ignorant fool who thought you were the queen of the universe. Ooh lookie, lookie, she stole everything I said and make it hers. Ooh, lookie, lookie, she thinks she’s scary. Well, YOU’re NOT! You have been a bimbo for the last half of your life, trying to be famous. Oh yes, you are famous, darling. You’re famous for your stupidity and narrow minded vision. Your kingdom is falling down, falling down, falling down..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Poor you, darling..you might have been living in a world full of mirror. Everywhere you see is you, you, you. You talk about yourself, your visions, your wants, your needs, your opinions, and now the mirror has crashed. Did it hurt you? Did it make you bleed? GOOD! HAHAHAHAHAHA... I think I saw one down your throat. Why would you swallowed it? It hurts doesn’t it? It burns your lung when it make little holes and ...

Started off with the politician news in Indonesia. Lies and hatred everywhere. Negativity in common people heads. Screaming in the streets as though they thought they know. My blood boils. Silently. But it didn't stop. EVERY FUCKING DAY the news talks about it. They talks like they know what happened. They talk like prophet who tell his people what to do and what to think. And this people, these Indonesian people, they are so stupid they believe in every single fucking thing the media said! They put ribbons and black clothes! Who the fuck do they think they are!? some kind of angel of death!? You think you make any different by wearing MY COLOUR! YOU FUCKING FOOL! I want to rip their throat so there will be no more blacks in the street! Let it wet with reds. Their reds. Their blood!!

I think at least once in their lifetime, a girl should've kissed another girl. Just to know how it tastes. Pick the right one though. The one you like or the hottest. You'll missed out one hell of an experience if you haven't. You dont have to be gay. You're just experimenting. Me, myself, if I dont have a girlfriend already, I'd lure little girl and teach them how to kiss appropriately. Young girls, in school uniform, feeling insecure and not sure what to do..yummm...especially the androgynus one..

My soft side, she o the depressed one is pushing me down these couple of day. I can barely think straight with her on the plane. Her hormone are raging mad. Yes, I do feel like a sissy. So weak! Yuck! She dances through love songs and broken hearted music, I can't stand it. I'm losing my balls! Sent from my durengoreng®

I like the view of dropping blood...splatters...or a pool of blood...especially over white surface

I will drive her insane the way she drives me insane. I'll make my mom hate my brother the way I hate him for being a big self-centered baby. I'll make you scream, mom. I'll make you see what I have gone through to put up with you. You'll feel as shitty as I am. That's a promise. *last night my fuck face bro didn't come home again. The results is always the same. My mom worried like a stepped-on-toe horse and launched her anger towards me for being a cold bitch.* Her Famous Fucking Quote: "why can't you understand my feeling?" Fuck your feeling, bitch. Eat shit. Goddamnit! I'm so tired of this! It drained me empty! I am just so tired..help me.

I feel empty. I don't feel anything. So I lay on my bed all day long. Something stole my lungs. It's hard to breathe. I want to connect to other people. I just don't wanna talk and touch.

I gritted my teeth last night. Hard. I wasn't even realizing it until it hurts. Something wrong. I'm unconsciously feeling anger over everything. After that I feel sick.

A bitch way to die! That's what comes to my mind when I watch this. Yep, another Final Destination death scene. This one is from Final destination 3. Of all the deaths, I think this one is the most horrible way. Cause it takes time to die..and burned..and in hell of a pain..getting ripe in the inside! Yee haaaa!

And when they thought all the danger of being hit by a train is gone....and splat! ahahaha...I never forget this scene. I constantly say, "damn! didn't see THAT coming!" I always afraid of watching Final destination. You really just can't cheat death.I hate things that is out of my control.

Sex is a game. I use it to make people like me. But some people use it as a weapon. To hurt her.

I feel like I want to hurt a girl's heart. A fragile one, so she would want to end her life.

I want to hurt my brother again. He needs to be slaped around again. Hit his head again against the wall. Maybe that will make him thinks clearly. there's still this guilt that I might be the one who makes him who he is right now. But if he's that fucked up, it shouldnt be all my fault. I crawled my way up all alone without having to be a jerk like him. I satisfty everyone around me. Nobody has to know I'm a monster. He's an idiot.

sometimes I missed being a jerk. Fuck and flirt anyone I want. Especially women. They are such a weak creature. All you have to do is to make them believe that we care about them. I write all of my adventure in the past with these women. Sometimes I came across it and it never failed to put a smile on my face. The sweet taste of victory when they're under me, powerless. Or above..thinking that they're the in control. Yes women, fuck me, you'll only taste me for an hour or two before I spit you out. I feel like an old man these days talking about his youth. When I was a stallion. A sex machine, hahaha...but what can I do now? I'm locked up in this little girl twisted head. She is fucking weak and I hate her.

Right now I am in my imaginary world. Taking a CD. Brake it in half. Use the sharp side to cut my skin deep. Slowly. 1, 2, 3, 4,......20, 21, 22 Until I can see a thick, dark, red blood flowing. Take a white small towel and wrap my hand up. It should stop the bleeding. Or not. Whatever. I'm getting weak now. I'm losing a lot of blood. Wow, it changes into red small towel. Where did the white small towel go? Ah, at least it'll help me sleep. My eyes are so heavy. Put my head in my pillow. It feels so right, right now. Time to go to sleep. Goodmorning. Don't wake me up. I can get up on my own.

The screaming is getting worst. It happens everyday. I'm trying to defend myself by locking myself inside my room and plug my ears with songs. I'm not a sissy. The only way I know is to scream back at them or hit them in the head. But I can't do that. Either way I'm a coward. They have to stop yelling at each other.

I could think of several things I could do to the people who bomb the Marriot and Ritz hotels today. I can blow up their limbs and let them live with only their heads intact. Or maybe I could just burn their limbs slowly till it riped red. Till their veins shows. But maybe that's not enough..let's torture their families. Starting with their wives, their mothers, and then their kids. I'll kill them all. I'll make those terrorist suffers. Oooohhh..I know! I'll cut out their tongue and ears too after they lost their limbs. That way they can't communicate with people. Hah! Let them communicate with THEIR GODS.

Last night my mom had a breakdown. She cried all over the floor and while clutching her chest she said, “it hurts..it hurts”. I dont understand it at first, if it is physicall or emotional. I know that before, I heard she and my brother was yelling at each other. What did I feel? I feel annoyed. Why the hell is she crying for what my brother did? She is so stupid. She’s only hurting herself by crying and feeling angry. Oh I really hated her last night. I didn’t want to touch her. She looks really disgusting with tears flowing down her cheeks. She look so weak. I hate her for looking so weak. I hate weak people. But then she asked for balm. I only gave the balm in a distance. The thought of scrubbing the balm on her boddy disgust me. Then she asked for my help. I can't say no. I was trying soooo haaarrddd to look like I care. I tried to make a loving voice but it just came out stat. God knows I tried my best to control my emotion. I dont want her to be angry at me or hurt and then t...

It’s goin to be only about time before I start cutting myself again. Today the only person that could make me hold on was trying a little bit too hard to hurt me. I could only hit the cupboard and then jammed my nail so hard to the back of my hand so I wont cry. I was so angry. I already got the permission, it’s only about the right time and equipment. I was going to use the scissor but then I remember that it is too dirty. My mind was wondering about the alcohol that could be used to clean it up, but I remember that it was already been thrown away. Since I got better, a lot of things that is pointy or sharp are not in my room anymore. I really did try to help myself. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. It hurts and I dont need to hold on anymore. I thought there were people who care, but I guess I found out the truth. No one cares. That means I can do anything that I want. But they will care if I die, especially if I die because of what they did to me. I’m gonna make them feel ...

Wanna beat up my brother till he's unconscious. Put him in a room and lock it. Let see if any of his friends could help him in time of need.

I dont feel alive lately. Lots of time people talks to me and I dont hear them. My mind wonder off somewhere but its not like I actually thinking of something. Maybe I'm being sucked in to a black dimension where I'm blind, deaf,and mute. I unconsciously pick black clothes every day. Wear black skin band on my wrist. Hiding the scar? maybe..but I feel like I want to show the world that i'm capable of hurting other human being if they try to mess with me. I can make black bruises on your body if you ask for it. A statement. I tried to be around of people as much as I can find them. But I'm still deaf, blind, and mute. I dont want to be touch. I DONT LIKE TO BE TOUCH. I'm black.

everytime my mother is driving in a high speed, I always imagine what would happen if I suddenly sway the steer to the left? Will we have an accident? Tumbling along the road, break glasses everywhere cutting our faces but that would be after we broke our neck once we hit the top of the car. Or the car will just skid a little coz my mom could handle the car quite well, pull over and I end up having a masterpiece yell from her.

I dont think the cold inside would ever go away. I believed it once and now it turns out I never really abandoned it. Like a little ice cube inside my chest. It never melts away. Fire over fire burned it. It just never melt. Not even a crack. I can try to hide inside the warmth of the girl that I love or the person I put in public but it’ll all be a lie. It was all lie. I’m trying too hard to play all warm inside. You dont have an ice cube inside your chest and just decided one day to melt it away. It never work that way. No hopes will help me. I have to live with it. Being cold.

As I watched my white right hand, I can't help but felling bliss imagining if it's filled with scratches and reds of bloods. It would be beautiful.

The obsessions are getting worst. Almost annoying. I keep on counting more if I feel anxious, waiting for something or someone or if I neglect my work. Then there's these bad thoughts of how I would hurt myself. Falling from stairs, hit my head on a table, or hit by a car. I can imagine like flashes of pictures how it would feel. How my gum would bleed and swollen if it hits the edge of a table. Or how my back would crush when the car's front hit it.

Everyone have their own fucking problems. So they won't care about mine and I don't need to care about them. I hope we all rot in hell for trying to staying alive all the time.

I wish I dont have to feel so alone all the time

Don't you dare blame me for something I have no control of. Don't you dare blame me for something I have no control of. Don't you dare blame me for something I have no control of!!!

If I have to diagnose myself, I’d say I have borderline and obsessive compulsive personality. I wont say disorder coz I can’t possibly know the range of my symptom normality. For people who learn psychology, they probably wonder how could be an impulsive personality is the co-morbid of a compulsive personality? The answer is I’m always in THIS side of the bar or THAT side of the bar. I constantly thinking about everything. I’m always trying to be aware of what I’m thinking. I arrange my schedule to be as meticulous as possible. 90% of my life are full of tensions. Then the rest of 10% i’d jump out of my seat doing anything impulsive. I never have a balance life. All I can do is forcing my emotion and my act to stay at the center of the bar. I have a full written agenda that I update everyday (plus microsoft outlook). I’d become worry all the time if I can’t do the tasks. Not necessarily I want to do it. I could lay my back in a (supposedly) hectic day and worrying all day long. I’d a...

I always wants to know how it feels to hit a mirror. Just like in the movie. Is it that easy? Will my knuckles really bleed?

My right hand hurts. Yep, my fault. Used it too much to hit stuff. And now I have to use balm all over it cause like it or not I have to keep doing my college assignments. I don't like unpredictable pain. I miss cutting my skin. Now what should I do (next)? what should I do (next)? what should I do (next)?

I think the pope jerks off sometimes. Or was. rarely? It's human nature.

My little brother didn't came home last night. Like always, my stupid mother would start to cry and panic. Ah, stupid bitch. Why would you worry for someone who doesn't give a fuck about you!? He's not a five years old! He's a fucking teen! If he wanted to, he could call you and tell you where he is. But he chose not to right? My favorite part is when she started to scream at me and justified it because she is panic. Bitch! You are a failure! I told you hundeds of time that you spoiled the brat too many times and look what he gave you back! I envy my brother. He can do what ever he wants and always gets away from consequences. I hope one day God slap him and something bad happen to him. Perhaps a little head injurie and straightened his mind a little? Me? Oh, I'm a little Mr. Perfect (!) I can do no wrong! I'm super smart bastard who got no feelings, only brain! I'm so nice (!) I have LOTS of friends (!) Just a tiny litlle itsy bitsy mistake for me would mea...

I have a dream, a hope, a WISH. I want to bashed a human head with my bare hand until know one could recognize the person’s face anymore. I want to know how it feels when my knuckle hit the skull and crack. I want to feel the blood oozing and dripping through my arms. The problem is, again, I know it’s wrong. Morally idiotic, the religions banned it and I might go to jail for killing a person. Is there a dummy for this?

I’m easily irritated under a stressful condition. My family know this very much, but other people dont. Usually I dont take things personally when somebody is doing things that could annoy me. Some of my friends even call me the most patient person they know. It would be a different story when I’m on ‘irritate easily’ mode and I never showed this side on anyone besides my family and Lushka. Do me wrong and I’d go hostile. Lately I learn to control this impulse too. I prefer to shut myself down for a while. Let the unreasonable anger to sink out. Usually I’d turn my cell off, write what I feel, and continue doing whatever I was doing at the time. These unreasonable anger is not a comfy feeling at all. My chest would feel like it’s burning and I can’t breathe normally. My head would start to hurt if fight the anger. That’s why making myself flat would do the trick. I’d like to call it “stat” like the way the doctors call a flatline. The hardest part is even though I finally can control t...

i CAN take CARE of myself

NO one OWNs me

I dont have time to take care of other people's shit, socializing, doing chit chat, thinking of other people's feelings, thinking of other people needs, listen to my mom screaming and yelling, debating with my brother, pampering my father, being nice, angry at idiots in the world WHEN I HAVE TO STUDY AND MAKING PAPERS!!!

I hate people who cut themselves to get attention from other people. Especially people who threat to kill themselves but never did it. I cut myself to let myself know that I'm strong. I don't have to whine and cry all the time like my mom. I'm capable to control my emotions and my lives. I cut myself so I don't have to do it to other people.

I used to hit my little brother. He's nine years younger than me. There was a time when I couldn't control my anger and I just hit him anytime he got annoying. He's no cute little angel either. We used to screamed at each other if we got in a fight. Our scream could be heard as far as 3 houses from ours. Mainly because I was trying to remind him about the house rules and he just want to fight everyone back. Everything I said, he would throw it back at me, cerebral or not. Yes, he's as fucked up as I am. The different is he's trying too hard to be a rebel. Everytime I hit him, he never hit me back. I think he knew that he is stronger than me and hitting me back is not a good choice. Or maybe he's afraid of me. Who knows? The fucked up thing is, everytime I did it, I'd regreted it like hell. I used to feel ashame of myself too. I should've been the bigger brother. The adult. But there was this one afternoon after he got back from school, we were caught up ...

Movie title: Hostel (2005) Watched it from a bad quality DVD. Peeking trough my finger most of the time. Can't remember much about the story. Looky, looky, her eyes are dangling from the socket. But how could I forget a scene when it's about cutting the main nerve of someone's eye? For me it beats the other torture in the movie. If you dare to watch it..see how the slime really look like ketchup and mustard, haha!

Movie title: Deep Rising (1998) Wow..11 years since I watched this movie with my cousin and I still can't forget this scene. First you have to see people in panic. Pushing and stepping at each other. And then the toilet scene...there's just something very wrong about being pulled inside a toilet, hahaha.. Deep rising is one of my favorite monster movie. I dont care how lame this movie is, cause it's one of my first love for horror movie.

I don't understand why can't I hurt myself? I'm still doing it in a safe level. I only cut myself on my left hand and it's not even that deep. Just enough to see it bleed. I even stop doing it once my left hand is too full and I can't add any cut no more. Hitting something hard might make me feel good too. But too dangerous. If I broke my hand, what'll I do? Go to the hospital? DUH! And I'm sure it'll hurt like hell. Hahaha..I'm not looking for THAT kind of hurt. Just seepish, tiny, little pain..searing..woah! After I'm done, I always use the alcohol. Hahaha..I dont want to get any disease. You see..I don't hurt anyone by cutting myself. I don't even hurt ME. Instead I make myself feel better. I don't have to feel any pain again inside my chest. It'll be gone. I wish people understand that. I'm not kidding when I say it hurt much more inside my chest.

Everytime I see a frozen meat in the supermarket, I can't help but thinking about a perfect murder weapon. A frozen meat would be the best weapon you can use to kill someone. It's hard as a rock. You can use it to bludgened someone to death (messy but it'll feel good). Buy the biggest part of a cow. Once you're done, wait for the meat to unfreeze, cook it, eat it, voila! No trace of any murder weapon unless some shit you'll waste in the toilet. If you want to kill someone, best he/she is someone you never knew. No one can link you to them. Serial Killer cases that are never been solved are people who killed strangers. Just stalk your target and remember their schedules. Trust me, every human have routines everyday. Get them on those routine schedule. Preferably, people who lives alone. Weaker than you. If it makes you feel any better, choose someone you think beneath you. Who lives their life morally wrong. I wouldn't give a fuck about moral. Hell I kill them, I...

I'm starting to think about hurting my hand again. But I'm too afraid that the next scar would leave another permanent mark like what I had now on my wrist. Lushka's would leave me too if I'd ever do it again. Sometimes I don't believe her, but sometimes I know that she has this pride of her that wouldn't let compassion get in the way. I feel ashame of course, each time one of my friends sees my scar. I know they would wonder what happened. Maybe they think I'd have been trying to kill myself, hahahaha..that is so stupid and so annoying. This scar makes me look stupid. This scar makes me look suicidal. I don't. I just like to cut myself you moron! I believe this is God's punishment. I've been cutting myself since elementary school and the permanent mark just suddenly decided to showed up last year?? oH, come on..God's definitley playing with me. I wan't to cut myself SO BAD each time I feel hurt inside. I guess, I need to settle with hitt...

I hit the wall yesterday. I injured my hand of course. Cost me a bruise and a little skin.It hurts only for a couple of second then came the calm. I wanted to do it again, but my head said that I need my hand to write and type urgently this weekend. Not to mention I already sprained my right hand wrist last week. SO I dont think my hand could endure another injury. I want to do it again.

I hate my mom. I wish I could stay away from her as much and as long as I want to. So I dont have to face her anger every fucking day of my pathetic lives. But I still can't live on my own. That's suck! I promise myself I'd get out of this house as soon as I can. Stupid bitch.