Noel's Nitemare

I'm not the kind who shows you to the exit door. I'm the kind who shows you the bathroom door, fucked you there, then show myself the way out. Yet they say I made them feel save and protected. cih. women.

I think I'm turning into one. My feelings are all out of place, dissoriented. I'm not depressed, but the problem is, I shouldn't be all happy with these. The feeling of superiority and evil. I think I'm voldemort hahahaha. Just kidding. Well, one of mithya's elder people is sick. And he might not make it. I feel the care and love mithya's has for the old man. A little coz its like so far away in the end of a long tunnel. But for me? Its..nothing. I even made mithya cranky. Angry coz she/we 're told to take care of him at hospital for days. If I'm allowed, I'll just wait at home til the old man dies or gets better. Btw, I made mithya sleep deprived for 5 days. I know, evil. Hahahaha....thou its a bitch for me when she tried to stay awake at noon. I'd prefer just sleep. Stupid girl Noel M.D

I want to fuck you till you cant walk. I want to leave all marks of bruises all over your body to marked that you've been had by me. I want by the end of it, you think I am a God and you will kneel. You are mine. You will beg. You will not live without me.

I'm pissed. Like really really pissed. Rage. Angsty. I'm frowning for 3 hours now. My blood boiled and I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. it drained me.

Ok. Maybe I just like to feel the blood rush to my face. The adrenaline. It feels soooo good.

I want to be covered in fake blood. Not real blood coz its stink. Like all red liquid all over me.

Ah lookie, A blood puddle pillow! This is so cool..I feel better already looking at some blood pictures. Not much....but it step up the mood a bit

and I feel that this blog is depressing day by day. I'm sick of feeling or lack of it. I'm gonna browse some pictures I like and post it here. Like gorey and blood and fuck stuff. Yeah, I'm gonna do that

Where can I find easy women? That doesn't need any preambule or prolog or drama and just right get down on business, but NOT A HOOKER. Not by profession anyway...

Well, I'm NOT Bipolar that's for sure

OK, I'm a jerk. What's new? nothing. Just new warm boddies. Did I like it? well, it's awesome in some way. What's goin on? Where did this fire comes from? Noel.

So it took a month to feel as drowning as before. The anger came back. Noel M.D

It hurts. No matter how many times it happens, it still hurt. I wished you stopped it but it never came to that. My fault, I let my guard down. Filled with hope. And it hurts. So whatever. Noel M.D

There's only one promise I never failed to keep "I WILL make you hate me"

I dont like the nausea feeling and I want to barf all the time. And omg the fake orange smell..ewww...but I like it when i feel like im floating. And then I have no filter to what I'm saying. but at the same time, when im typing anything, I can still editted it. Thougfh sometimes I failed miserably. But mnost of the times, it doesnt changed the way I'm talking. It changed the way I talk. Everything I sees is like walking like  a news one liner on the bottom of ur TV screen. Cool.

Oozing booze out of my pores. If I keep this up, I'd totally loose weight and die LoL Puked and diarrhea was the after effect of two nights in a row getting shit-faced. My mouth is dry coz you know, that what alcohol does to your body. Dehydration. But then I'd drink water like a fish. So it's all good. I never drink water more than 2 glass per day. THIS is drunk man logic.

just enough to make feel brave to do anything i feel like a chicken shit. I dont care with the outcome tomorrow. I did it. yay!

This is all about the need to feel. Any kind of feeling would be good. They dont understand. I'm in this alone like I always have. Any resistence is futile LoL now I'm talking like trekkie nerd. I want my brain to stop being so tensed and just live. In my sanctuary, I give in.

That cravings comes back again. To jam a razor at my hand and drag it deep. To drink alcohol into oblivious state. I had to distract myself last night. Didn't remember what I did though. Tried to read but I keep stopping once in a while just to stay focus on the words that seemed to be meaningless all of a sudden. It took a while but then the cravings gone and I just felt sad. It's starting again. The low, empty and cold feeling that asked for my attention.

If you can brush your teeth, you can give a women a decent handjobs

Come on bleed..you're so beautiful when you're bleed. It tastes so good when you're bleed. We'll continue tonight..=) right now, let this one bleed, soaking through your jacket. Ssh...feel the freedom. You're in control again. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

If I could touch you and hold you, I would. I will protect you from everyone and everything that hurt you. I won't ask anything from you. I don't have to ask what you feel. I will only do what you need. I will help you. We're together in this. We always were. I will show you how much I care. Take a breathe and lay back. I promise even if you're dead, I will always be with you. After I made their life a living hell of course. Then it would be doubling the pleasure coz they'll go to hell anyway when they die. How much of these words have they said? Hate them. Love me. I'm unconditionally. How much of these words have they said? Have they said they understand like I do? No, they have not. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

As I turned off the lights, get inside the blanket, all I could remember was how desperate I was to just have somebody sleeping next to me. I never cared anything passed that. Maybe he did too. *Gasped and hitched breath. Fear of losing control. Mistaken imagination over reality. I almost afraid to fell asleep.* Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

DO NOT listens to the voice in your head. They want nothing but to ruin your perfect record of self-control. You are stronger than this. It doesn't worth a dime. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I feel like a junkie. I need to proof myself I'm strong. No one, NO ONE will outstepped me from controlling her. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

Want to say something witty, being a smart-ass, cruel joke, insult someone to show I'm moving on, but I can't. My mind just wont stop re-playing. I feel sick everytime. I'd stop eating if those memories comes back. I couldn't even get off before because of it. I'd just stop. I feel like an animal. If I held a gun or knife, I might killed someone that night. If only there was the right people at the right time. Not being able to control myself disgust me. I thought I'm enough to held back any primal act. I was born to help her get through shit. Turns out I can still defeated by liquor. Water. Stupid fucking liquid let down my defenses. As if its a reminder of those moments when that driver touched me comes back again. Those moments when that girl undressed me for the first time, when I thrust my fingers to pleased other people, when I let my boyfriends used me, when I do things to kids. I'm not okay. I might be born when Mithya was looking for a guardian th...

You need a psychologist if you are an angry teenage with bad sense of responsibility and motivation, but you don't need one if you're emotionally unstable with self-mutilation as a coping mechanism.

Nobody fucking believes me. So I'm a liar now? Have you ever been THAT wasted, assholes? If you never been, shut the fuck up! I have no control at all, and as weird as it seems, I really did seems like jumping in and out of my head through the night. I didn't do anything. I WILL NOT BE BLAMED. I feel insulted. If I cheated on purpose, that means I'm stupid. That bordering on insulting my intelligence. Why the fuck would I cheated and then running away saying I didn't remember! This is not a FUCKING movie assholes! Yea, next thing I'd say would be "I have double personality. It wasnt me!" Oh, FUCK YOU ALL. I hate it that I become more paranoid. Feels like everyone is whispering behind my back. You people are just happy to get more drama aren't you? You lookin for new jerks and villains. Then you run and offers hug to whom you called victims. There's just so much confusion and anger. I don't know and I don't understand what to do. Now bec...

Yesterday is definitely gonna win if its running for the lowest point of my life. I’ve waken up with a dried pool blood in my bed and that was nothing compared to yesterday. The plan was just getting wasted. To enjoy being drunk, flying, laughing, forgetting every fucking problem, and then wake up feeling like shit. I knew and I’m prepared to feel the worst hangover ever. But I didnt prepare for anything like yesterday. The “wasted plan” with Jude was suppose to take place on Saturday night last week. But shit always happens to me and something happened in my family so it had to be postponed. My date with Lushka was ruin too. Last week I just hate everything and all the family dramas I have to suck up and be the adult. I actually felt bad coz Ive been postponing EVERY plan I promised to Jude. He kept asking to go hangout or come over and stay at my place. Weeks, I guess, saying “Yea, ok, cool, you can come over but I have to check my schedule.”. Yeah right. What schedule? Mopi...

I keep feeling dirty and disgusted with myself. Fucking a friend is one thing, fucking another brother is too much. Gonna take a bath now. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I screw up. I still feels like I want to puke all the time. But its more because of I'm feeling sick with myself. I really wish she could just go home already. I keep making people around me turned gay. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

When I smoke, I want to jam the cig into my skin. Everytime its getting worst. I'm running out of options to hurt myself. But Noel CAN NOT be ugly. Burnt marks on skin are just not cool. Ok, maybe I'll start slashing my ribs. Coz thighs..I wouldn't know if I poke to wrong vein and then I'd die bleeding. That would just be stupid. I wish I could do it to my back. Huf. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

This is not important, but I realized that I always managed to finished a bottle or a can of alcoholic beverage in half an hour. cool.

I should've waited until 1 AM (yea, me and my compulsive personality said so), but I cant wait it any longer. 3 minutes too fast and I'm starting my first lager beer of the day. and I dont even like beer! hahaha...Got some mix codka ready too. I play my electropop playlist for tonight. It seems fit for my mood. Cheerie eerie something..well, let's the party begin!

Just when I was all planning about going out get some beer, well, a dozen of 'em, it's been raining all day. I really want to get wasted tonight while watching football. Maybe buy some peanuts and snack. I still havent decide what to buy though. Beer or vodka? hmm..but I have to do it tonight if I want to get wasted. Coz tomorrow is still wednesday. I have a doctor appointment on thursday. Cant get a hangover if I have to see the doctor right? haha.. Damn, rain. stop already.

And I wondered why you stop talking to people around you. Now I understand. It made you angry how she react isn't it? When she's the one who keep doing it. She's the reason and she's angry at you. Life's not fair isn't it? You're hurt? That is why I'm here, mithya. So you don't have to feel hurt. Talk to me. When you dreamed, I dreamed it too. You don't even need to waste your breath to re-tell the story. I can hear you loud and clear. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I guess it's easier to talk with strangers. They dont know anything so I dont need to be angry at them for not knowing or for not helping. Strangers helps me forget too, now that its almost impossible to slash my hand again. coz now it leaves marks. Yea, God, I know, you care in your own way. But that's not enough. Once I could get out of the house, I'll buy a pack of alcohol and just get wasted.

When did we become so dysfungsional? Why did it have to take 10 years to be completely broken?

Queen of Alien : "I can only pray to God that He will gives me health so, I dont know, I wouldn't feel depressed in these hard times." My eyes were automatically straight upward almost doing a complete rolling in mock disgust. But I still knew better. I stop and just stare at random wall, shutting down my ability to hear anything

At first I didnt really realize that there's a loud bang outside my room coz I was too busy laughing reading some crackfic. Then it happened again the second time and my curiousity told me to turn down my iTunes volume. But I knew better..why would I want to listen to them yelling at each other?

The urges the be evil is just too strong. I'm angry all the time because my breath are shorter than they usually are. I keep on feeling suffocated.

Girls are easier to be seduced when they're emotionally unstable. I dont mean the crazy one. I mean I slipped in when their guard was done. and then play a little with their hearts. Make them cry because of me. There's nothing more cliche but true than, "only the one who matters who could makes you cry". The problem is (and for my advantages), girls believes this. They doesnt even know that they're not really having a crush on me. They THINK they're in love.

I wonder how many people jerk off tonight with Luna maya's and Ariel's sex tape? hahahaha...it's a pretty good show actually. And Oh my God, Luna has a killer body. She shouldn't feel ashamed. These days, who's not having pre-marital sex? It's not a shock really. Yea, its immoral and sinful. But she should just chill. Now that half the country knows and seen all of her. haahahaha...bravo.

Those memories now are just a big bufoon sex party

Sometimes I feel afraid and insecure. It just happens. And then I need to hide inside my blanket. I need someone to take care of me. Someone who understand. Sometimes I just need a silent company. Coz at that moment, any words would feel like an attack. Accused. Insulting. I feel like a failure. And then it just spiral down to the worst kind of situation. I drag everything down. No one to blame but me. If anything bad happens, it will be because of me and my incompetent self. I dont talk anymore because everything is useless. No one can help. No one care. Everyone have needs to be fulfilled. Everyone take care of themselves. I'm not capable to feel anymore. And yet, they blame me again for what I cant control of. FUCK. I DONT FAKE THIS. I DONT ACT TO BE LIKE THIS. YOU THINK THIS WHOLE THING IS FUN PLAY? YOU THINK NUMB IS SO COOL HUH? YOU CARE? IF YOU CARE, YOU WOULDNT ASK ME OF ANYTHING. You would just leave me alone to die.

I told you not to blame me for something I have no control of. So why the fuck are you blaming me now?

Because the pain makes me forget. Because crying is weakness showned. So I have to feel numb. But numb could turn into empty so fast, its suffocating. So I have to feel. But I can't feel sad, coz then I'll cry. Then it'll be a stupid horrendous cycle. So I choose to feel pain. Pain stopped me from feeling sad. Pain stopped me from feeling anything inside. Because pain makes me forget. Writtened 24th of May 2010 Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

I'm cutting off my meds. I want to know if I'm still in pain and whether it'll bring that warmth in my chest again. Sent for FriedDurian® Powered by my brain

OK, God makes a cruel joke on me again. It's a fact I've been emotionless for a month. Then when I can't stand it anymore, when I decided to just surrender under the merciless pain of a rusty razor, He gave me my back pain back. Ha! Funny, God! So one beautiful evening, I was gonna have an agenda with Jude. I made a wrong position to sit up from his bed and the rest are the most annoying and embarassing situation I have face in my entire life. God! I can't stand straight in front of my best bud. Well of course he was confused of what to do, coz even though he knew about my back condition, he never really have to see me while it hurts. I tried my best to hold the pain while watching the DVD and kept chatting casually with him. But I made a mental note that I HAVE to go home after the movie ended. He was dissapointed coz I didn't know that he was hoping I could spend another night hangin' out. When I finally got home the pain were getting worst. Though it...

As I was looking at a snapshot I took of you the other day, I cant ignore the empty stare you had. You looked so wounded and hollow. I know that look every time I look at myself in the mirror. We both are broken beyond repair. I want to tell you that I know what you're going through, but I dont have any power left to reach out to anyone, let alone you. I know that face. You were trying to closed any voice that happening around you. Made your mental deaf. I dont know how big the damage will be on you. I get through out of it alive though right now all I want to do is dissapear from the face of earth. I cant stop blaming myself if you turns out broken. I'm your brother. I should be the one who protect you. I should've been the one who lead you the way through this hell. I know each time you blast your stereo, you dont want to hear anything outside your door. I know each time you scream, you want to tell them how hurt you feel. If you fail, I fail.

It forms a beautiful line up of red grass

No more bullshit, I thought. The need had been lingering on my head for weeks now. I need to feel something. I walked out of bed and went to the other room. I know where to look. All stationery are placed inside a plastic drawer under the PC. It only took about a minute to find what I'm looking for. It's green and quite big. But covered with rust. Badly. It did made me think twice, coz you know, with all the idea of any germs to mixed with my blood will be a stupid thing to happened. I would know better. But hell. It's already in my hand. I dont need any excuse and the last two failed performance was not good for my ego. Hahaha.. I dont have any alcohol at the moment. Sure there's that nail paint remover and a little bottle of rum. But I'm not really sure if they would do the job to clean the cutter. So I burned it with my lighter. I checked the tip and burned my finger. I sat on my bed and start with two deep slash. Out of my expectation, it bleeds. And I was...

Got drunk, check Thinking to just surrender to lust, check Imagine a good deep slash, check Numb, check Cursing, check 5-0 for Noel! Hello, freedom!

I find out why I regressed. I'm getting tired of telling the same story over and over. I'm ashamed of telling the same story over and over. Especially if there's only one person who listens to it. I don't want her to get bored and hate me in return. I just don't have the will power to feel angry anymore. Coz then I'll turn into mithya's pathetic mom.

Megatron : "How's your thesis? Any development?" Me : *shrugging, looking at my yoghurt* nope Megatron : *laughing* "Oh no, here's another one who's gonna waste an amount of money" Me : *trying to smirk but failed* Queen of Alien : *massaging my back* "You dont need to worry. It's what she do. She would say that she couldnt do it, but then she finished it with flying colours. Right?" Me : *shrugging* Then the conversation was dropped just like that. They resumed talking to Malin Kundang and ALL his problem..

I dont like to be touched. It's suffocating. I want any interaction to any human being kept in a minimum. The other day when I was having a lunch with Mithya's mother, I keep on wanting to run away from the table and lock myself in my room. I'm feeling anxious around people. I'd rather sit alone, feeling miserable while listening to suicidal music themes. Why am I having a regression? It's draining me.

When people say I'm nice and good, its sounds like an insult. Then quickly turns into a challenge to show how wrong they think of me.

DONT ASK I dont want to lie

Sometimes I feel frustated being different. I know everyone is unique in their own way, but sometimes I feel so distant from being a human. Sometimes I want to peel myself and finding out what is it really that lay inside me. Sometimes I feel angry because I cant express what really going on in my head, my desire, my twisted evil plan. My feeling. Because sometime I dont feel anything and I'm pushed to feel wrong because human sees it as being mentally ill. Why do I have to be different?

I took it as an offense. The word. It didnt affect much, but still offended. I never asked to be born inside of this girl. I'd rather fuck girl in a boy form. I can't even expressed myself freely. If I do, people calling me labels. Suddenly I'm either gay or lesbian. Fuck. Then they would think I'm a tranny. I'm not EITHER of those stupid label. I'm just stuck here. Living inside a girl. No, I'm not delusional or having a multiple personality. I'm a homonculus. At least that's the easiest word to explain WHAT I am. Go search that word. I'm not gonna bother explaining. When I'm in charge, it feels like the world is colder. My breath seems shorther than normally is and everything is just annoying. Except for beautiful girl. Then My heart would beat faster and reminding me that it still there. I'm not even amused with their voice. Sometimes I have to grit my teeth just to hold my anger and not stuffed their mouth. I wish people just sh...

Shit. Back to manipulative and bored all the time. Need friction on my pants. I dont do love.

So soft and fragile. Slippery. Sweat. Straddling. Sore. Mindblowing. Mischief. Moment. Bruised. Back in the game and I dont even have to wait for another round. Jackpot. ~still my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of them touching you~

How much longer do you think I should hold on?

It would be nice to touch girls perfect abs, soft skin, and well..that’s the best part of a girl. Their hips and abs. They have curves that boys dont have. Smaller girl could drive me crazy coz they LOOK so fragile and I just wanna hold them. I had some girls with this perfect abs and hips and oh.my.god. I really love touching it even when we were just laying around after sex. Tracing my lips down....they always went nutz after that. It always felt good everytime I dig in on her (their) shoulder and I could feel a collarbone. Or any bone. Any bone is fine hahaha... That’s why sometimes I’m kinda crazy in trying to have a good shape. It’s a simple math. Especially if I could looked “feminine” enough. It’s like some kind of mask that I could wear to “war”. I’m not really into uber-lesbo girl. Too boring. No challenges at all. They are so desperate in having a girlfriend, they would practically throw themselve at me with a little hint of flirtation. DOH. With my mask, straig...

Remembered when you hesitate to kiss me after I go down on you. But curiousity always win *smirk*

Missing those time when I could passed out senseless on some friend's couch. Sharing beds with strangers. Wouldn't care if someone is feeling me up coz I'm unconscious. Then I could just brush my shoulder off pretending I knew something happened the night before.

I was that person who held back his choked tears in someone else's bed. Holding someone he love to hate. Hoping that all he ever did was because of love and not just because he want to feel wanted. I'm too fucked up to know the difference now.

That face. Sometimes I made the wrong facial expression in a situation. You see, I believe that I dont really have much of genuine facial expression. I learned how to react like normal people do-mainly from movies. That's why one of the reason why I really like TV series. They gave me so much of how-to-react lessons. It's like I have a tape inside my head that record all of these lessons and make a matching situation-reaction process. After recording, this tape could tell me what to do. An instant voice that telling what to do. Of course in modern life, we learn how to use instant messenger or microblogging. So I learn what to type (say) too. FOr example, if someone say that he/she is hapy then my tape will order me to say "I'm happy that you are happy". The tape tells me what is good to do. If they're happy with what I say or respond THEN I would feel genuinely happy too. Back to what I was going to share, sometimes I made the wrong facial expressions. T...

I tried to understand for three years. Then you choose to ignore me today. Now I can't stop feeling invinsible.

Bitch ass everywhere! Bitch ass here..bitch ass there..let's do a lil dance, bitch! hahahahahaha....Sing it! Oh, how stupid women when they start to open their mouth. All I can hear is yap, yap, yap, yap, yap....this bitch can't even say things more than 3 words! 3 words mothafucka! What do you think, Mithya? Help me out here. What do you think her problem is? Abandonement issue? Or I hear something about being a hypocrite. Have you? You do? I think she have problem with THINKING. That's right. Women. THEY HAVE PROBLEM WITH THINKING. There's something WRONG WITH THEIR BRAIN. Why did God made women give birth and raised children in the first place? Well if a man does it, he better sell the lil bastard and start buying home theatre! hahahaha...How stupid a women could be? She was abandoned and then she cried..and cried..and cried..DOH, you fucking another man's wife? DOH? You had it your way, bitch. And then came along another bitches who cried the same stupidity the...

Being sick and locked up in my room help me not to lie and hurting people close to me. I don't feel a thing. Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT

I wanna know your taste. I want to feel your lips. I want to touch your skin. She might be shy, but I'm not. I want to lick your neck and feel you trembling under me. A little bite just below your ear. I want you to know how good I can make you feel. A rebel that's what you are. Hiding in that innocent smile. so petite, mon cherie..it taste so good because we both know that it is wrong.

Mithya have to stop believing in others. She can only count on me. I repeatedly proved her that I’m reliable. I never dissapoint her. I’m always there when she was down. Not even that girlfriend of hers. She uses her. She doesnt know how painful it is for mithya to wait for her on the phone. Slowly abandoning her. She knows she has trust issues and she just keeps on pushing her to wait for her. Well it’s enough. I wont let her hurt Mithya anymore! Thank God I give Mithya the solution. To do things. To take her mind off of her. So she wouldn’t feel lonely all the time. We’re strong together. I’m the one to take over the body now most of the time. Give a lil cheery voice. Like everything’s Ok. They wouldn’t know I’m in charge. I’m even smiling now. A genuine smile for a long time for us. Do you know how precious it is? I have all these good ideas for us to take in the future. And it’ll start with a razor. A real one. No more playing around. No more amateur games coz it’s embarassing for ...

Whew, I think I struck a nerve! Hahahaha...oh, I'm a bad, bad boy. I'd do it all for her, my whiny weak half side. No one of you cared for her you sick fucks!! Sent with mobile device Powered by Mithyanoel®

I don't want to be better. She thinks I'm her weak part, but she is wrong. I'm her strongest part. I was born to save her from herself. If I'm gone, then she'll soon be gone from this world too. I don't think we can be saved. These cycles of family problems will never be stopped. The evil in the world would never be stopped. So why don't we just join them? I was born to live in a world full of hatred. I'm gonna be her "life jacket" so she wouldn't drowned. When I decided to talk to my lecturer, I knew she couldn't help either. She told me that too. She specialized in helpin little children and teenage. All she can do is offer to talk to my mother so that we can all go to a therapist. HAhahahahahaha....I would love to laugh at her face, but she's been nice..most of the time. That bitch didn't believe I could be the best in my class. She didn't even believe I could finished my bachelor thesis. Well I proved her wrong and she s...

I wish everything is as easy as you seen in a movie. A scene with no audio or maybe a painful soudtrack. A son one day comes to his mother's room and drop a note to her hand. It titled "how to deal with a borderline son" or "I'm gay, please love me". And then the mom would start crying but eventually when she comes to her sense, she would run to her son and gives him a warm hug. HAHAHAHAHAHA...yea, life's not that beautiful people. Too much proud and shame or too much judgment that people would forget about the true meaning of their relationship. What's important about relationship. How to care and understand. I've tried you know, telling my mother about my symptoms. She even caught my wound twice. She just cried and didn't do anything about it. She just keep saying that I should pray more to God. Well, mother, there are things that just cannot be fixed by praying. She blamed herself and then she would feel sorry for herself as a bad mother. ...

Is this another sign? Come on...another failure..I'm an amateur again. The swiss army knife suddenly show up on the floor beside my bed. I didn't see it yesterday. It took me some time to talk to the girl. To convinced her that it's time. Well, more like she's the one who tried to convinced me that it wouldn't do us any good. But I keep saying to her that I would be a coward if I dont do it. I promised myself. There's no other way. Everything is already too fucked up. I have no other way. A long pause. Toying around with the knife's reflection..and then I slashed it over and over. but fuck! fuck! fuck! the so-called-knife isn't sharp enough either! Look what it did to my hand! fucking ugly. I hate it. It doesn't make me feel better. Not like it used too. It's that girlfriend of her's fault. She made her think there are other way. That crying and telling stories would make things better. WELL ITS NOT. I hate crying. It makes me weak. Time f...

Got another top notch score. A perfect score. I don't understand. I've tried to be lame. I've tried to be ignorant. But why do I still get good GPA's? It doesn't feel special anymore. I'm grateful but I don't feel anything. It's boring

Remembering what I did today made me smirk, no, giggle. About noon I'm getting irritated. I need to cut my skin. Coz I feel sinking lower and lower and my face felt numb. I kept looking for that stupid swiss army knife in my room but I still couldn't find it. In desperation I found my mom's manicure's tool and there's this one tool that look like it's sharp enough to make me bleed. I dont know what it's name or even what it's do. So I tried to slash it to my skin.. one... nothing.. two... there's two red line three.. three red line start to buldge But there's no blood. Turns out that stupid tool is not sharp enough to cut my skin. hahahahahaha....that's just stupid! it's been two years since the last time I cut myself, and my first attempt since is failed! that's just funny. I need rehearse I guess. But with a better tool. Yes, I'm determine to find my swiss army knife. Wish me luck! hahahahaha.......

That scar is to remind me how stupid my act were This scar is to remind me I'm still in the same shit hole

Nobody understand what state I'm in now. I hit rock bottom. I couldnt think. I dont have any motivation. I'm not even hungry. I would choose not to eat, but my healthy brain said that ulcer is a bitch. Though I tried to hurt myself yesterday by eating chilli at my breakfast and lunch. Coz I cant find any razor I could use to cut myself. I'm frustrated. Now that I need the knife, it's gone. It's fucking gone. I'm goin crazy alone. I'm feeling alone. No one know how hurt it is. Sometimes I wish that I can replace this pain to someone else just for a day. So he/she knows. So people would stop underestimate how I feel. I feel useless. I'm so tired of being positive. It doesnt change anything. I'm still hearing the same problem and screaming and banging. Nothing will change. I should stop trying. This is my line here. I have overstepped it. I WILL CUT MYSELF. no more bargaining or logic thinking. it's useless. it's fucking useless.

DO I have to cut myself again to show how much it hurts? to show how much I'm fucked up? I'm not OK! I never fucking OK! For God sake look at me and tell me am I OK!? Why are they trying to look away?

I think I missed my old life. Where I can do anything I want and destroy everything in my path. I want to be borderline and stop compulsing. Is that even a word? I want to feel hurt by people that doesnt really hurt me. I want not to care. I want to manipulate people’s feeling again. I want to be Noel. Everything is in order right now. Not that I like all the twisted ending. Its just girls that keeps challenging me were something I ate for breakfast. Maybe I spent too many nights with them. Those images just cant stop haunting me. Everywhere I go, I’ve been there. I want you to love me, I want you to leave me.